Friday, 11/05/04 - 9:50 pm.
I know daylogs aren't really fun, but my day had so many layers I just have to put it all in terms on time. First off, today's my brother Alan's birthday. I'm seeing him in december, and that makes me happy.
I arrived to the university, and I sat under a tree, to work on an article I'm writing for my fake magazine (for Psychology of Development II).
A tree that's become my favorite spot in the university, let me add. It's a little far away from the classrooms, and more in the area of the "extracurricular activities" (it's some kind of street with small houses lining up: the psychology clinic, the social service, the cultural center, in which there's the guitar room...). I've been drawn to that spot of the university lately, because I'm getting tired of having an exclusively academic life in the university.
There were two little children playing Power Rangers. At first I was disgusted by their alienation, and how they were into their characters, almost hitting each other with sticks. But eventually, I couldn't get my eyes off of them. They were very good at pretending, and they did everything just like in the TV show: they talked like them, they fought like them. It saddened me, but it also amazed me. They were good actors, really.
I had my guitar lesson, which broke my heart. When I was arriving there, Joe said hi to me and I said hi back. "How are you?" "Good. You?" "Fine". And we didn't say anything else. I felt the lack of chemistry. During class he laughed very hard at a half-joke I said, and that was nice. But over all, I noticed he was particularly close to another pupil, who's also his classmate. I sensed something. I've seen them together a couple of times, too.
They'd make faces at each other and such during class. At the end of it, I heard him yell at her (because she was already walking away): "wait for me!". I didn't like how that sounded, and I was jealous and upset. Which is pretty stupid, considering I'm taken myself, and it'd be a huge problem if he liked me for real. But I was still hurt. Because I do like him, after all. And I noticed he didn't say anything about the CD I gave him on wednesday.
I met up with Joseph, and I was still very very upset about the Joe episode. Joseph was very bitter, too, I noticed since I saw him, and I wanted to ask him why. We went to Burger King, and I paid for everything (ice cream cones included), because I know he doesn't like that kind of food.
- Me: so why are you so bitter?
- Him: I don't know, I guess it's the day...you've been biting your tongue to avoid saying that, haven't you?
He knows me so well. But of course, I wasn't going to tell him why I was so upset myself (I'm not sure if he noticed, I hope not), so I nodded when he said it was "because of the day".
Eventually we cheered up, and we spent some time together just talking and cuddling. Until my friend Victor arrived with a few of his friends, and two guitars. And Joseph left (I was sorry to see him go, but he always leaves when somebody else comes along).
There's something that was filling my head when the guitar lesson finished. If there's something worse than not belonging anywhere, is actually having a group you want to belong to, but you just can't. Outside the guitar room there was my friend Victor and all his musician/actor friends, for whom the cultural center is a shelter, and the place to meet up. I like that scene, but I'm not an artist in any way.
Last night I was telling Victor how discouraged I am with the guitar playing. I suck at it, and I was considering quitting. Don't. You know what we'll do? Tomorrow we'll ask JC to lend us two guitars and we'll play for a while. I really appreciated that. That was so nice of him.
So he was bringing the two guitars...and two friends, a girl and a boy. The girl was a great guitar player, and the boy had pretty eyes and was Victor's bandmate. Victor and the girl played, and then she handed me the guitar. Victor and I played riffs: Stairway to Heaven, Last Child (the girl knew how Steven Tyler was) and he taught me a Santana song. Meanwhile, two more friends of that scene had come along and were sitting with us, talking and listening to the music.
Eventually we went back to the CC to return the guitars, Victor, three friends (that now are my acquaintances) and I. I thanked JC. You know, I'm actually a regular of the CC now, and JC knows me (he's like the coordinator of all things music/theatre there). So you could say I'm part of that scene, if anything, by association. That thought cheered me up.
The sad part is that Joseph, when he said he'd leave, he actually went to the cafeteria: I'll walk by again, when I'm leaving the university, to say goodbye to you. He walked by, but he didn't approach to me and just left. That made me feel bad. I fear he saw me with all those people, he saw me playing guitar with Victor, and he must've thought "I'd hate to interrupt". He's like that.
It made me feel bad. And by that time I felt part of that group (it isn't exactly a "group", it's just a large social network). I've been giving a lot of thought to the fact that Joseph and I have nothing in common. Even today, we were discussing about politics and movies and I said, wholeheartedly (but not upset): that doesn't surprise me. What do you like that I like?.
But even so, I want to be with him. I am in love with him. I wanted to cry when I found out about Joe and that girl, I was hurt because I like Joe, and part of me wanted Joe to like me...I guess I should be thankful that Joe doesn't like me, even if that hurts me. I still am in love with Joseph, even though he hated shark tale (what the fuck?!).
For 30 minutes, I walked around the campus, thinking all of the above. The rest of the time, it was class, psychodinamics. One of the best classes I've ever had.
I hung out with Victoria, Irene and Victor. We sat under a tree (in front of MY tree). We had very heartfelt conversations about our issues with jealousy and relationships, and how all of us handled those situations. It was very intimate, it was great.
The rest was just class, until I came home. And here I am, talking about my day. I'm pretty sure I couldn't really express the feelings in every "layer". I just thought I had to record everything that happened today, for me. It was an special day, for no specific reason.
Layers. It must be the layers: the heartbreak, the being in love, the guitar playing, the scene and the time with my friends. It's all good. Leaving out all my academic loads, or even with them, I can say I'm having the time of my life.
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