The paranoia of having no money and the annoyance of family weekends.
Saturday, 12/18/04 - 9:39 am.

I went to Target last night, and my wishlist got longer. I came home and wrote down all the things I've seen that I want, and drew an arrow next to the ones I don't want to leave without. That way I've narrowed the list to three items.

In theory, I have plenty of money to spend, I've saved the entire year for this month, but I can't bring myself to spend it. It's the freudian anal-retentive tendency in me, I guess.

Ok, I brough about $360, ok? And I fear it'll disappear quickly, in one single afternoon, in one single mall...hey, it could happen: lots of pretty AND expensive things everywhere. And there are 10 people I still have to shop for (christmas presents and souvenirs). At the top of my wishlist there's a digital camera, so I need to balance my money very well and buy only the strictly necessary.

But when I say "strictly necessary" I feel stupid. I don't really spend money back home, so [I think] I should give myself a break. I saved and saved to come here and buy things I don't find back in my place. If I didn't have the digital camera in mind, though, I wouldn't be so stressed about the money.

I'm certain I'll have some extra money coming from some members of my family. Although that'll be nice, it's kind of embarrasing for me, I hate to take away their money, even if it comes (as it always does) from the bottom of their hearts.

Looks like when I come here, anxiety, guilt and happiness can be summed up as consumerism.

Right, well, I shouldn't dwell on this issue (money) too much. It's mine, I brought it to spend it, and I'm on my right to do so, as long as I don't waste it on stupid, useless things.

I kind of hate weekends, because that's when everybody's making plans to go out and we never agree on anything, and leave late to anywhere, cramped in the car for hours. Or we don't get out of the house, precisely because we never agree on anything, and/or because somebody started doing something around the house and never finished.

I like it here, but weekends are annoying.

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