About not taking it personally and thinking things over (and the cousin).
Friday, 02/11/05 - 5:01 pm.

After giving it a lot of thought, I've decided I'm not going to rush things with Joseph. Sure, I still feel bad, but I'm going to talk about it with him. I still wish to get out of this relationship if all that is true, whether in reality or just for him.

See, I'm not going to deny that I do have trouble doing a few things for myself (getting out, driving). That I grant Joseph. But the second point, choosing my friends because of their grades, that's just sickening. Right, I like good grammar and spelling. That doesn't make me a monster, much less an intellectual, and certainly not an elitist.

I'm reading this book that Joseph goes crazy for, the four agreements. I must say the second chapter "never take anything personally" gave me a lot of answers regarding yesterday's entry. The writer makes a lot of good points. So, when Joseph says I'm such an elitist intellectual, he's just saying it to himself, because that idea comes from the schemes in his own mind. Yeah, well, something like that. The guy explains it better.

Still, like I said, I wouldn't be comfortable with a guy who believes, or makes himself believe, that I look down on him because of his spelling and grammar and stuff. Sure, it bothers me, the two e-mails he's sent me are literally incomprehensible. But that's just a flaw. I have flaws, too, he knows that. And I've never believed he looks down on me because, say, I don't dare to drive a car.

Have I given him the impression I look down on him? If so, I shouldn't be with him, because a) I never noticed that, and b) if I didn't notice before, I'll hardly be able to tell when that's happening.

I guess I'm just tired. I'm no good at being in love.

As for Joe, I think he got caught up in the spur of the moment, in the last entry. He's a nice guy, really, and not a liar. He hasn't lied to me. In his e-mails, he'd go "blah, blah, blah...but that's a lie". That's about it. I was just so upset yesterday that I got mad at the fact that he was only joking with me, with the MP3 thing. Normally, I would have smiled and thought "what a cute loser". But I was greatly upset. And he's got me confused, so I'm bound to get mad at him, as a way to disguise the fact that I do like him.

Last night he sent me the real song he'd promised. The whole afternoon was very emotional for me, because I wanted to cry, and I couldn't. I was home alone during dinner, so Simeon was with me and we talked (in a non-pathological "I have an invisible friend" thing), about the writing contest. I wanted to cry, I wanted to write, I even wanted to cut myself. But neither was going to happen. I just needed some sort of release, perhaps what I really needed was to tell Joseph most of the things I wrote yesterday.

When Joe came online, he was barely talking to me, but as usual, we ended up talking for hours. I wanted to cry also, when he told me about this girl he likes, that got into the university a year later than him (he and I got in in '03). But I was relieved, too. I seriously need him to be...unavailable. That'd make me less confused, that'd allow me to think more clearly.

He said something like "I'm afraid things would be different if we had a relationship offline". As far as I remember, he'd say he didn't have her e-mail. That's why this gal came up in our conversations in the first place. He asked "is there a way to find someone's e-mail?". There was a way, but Joe's a loser and he didn't even know her last name. Hell, he didn't know MY last name, even though we'd been e-mailing each other for over a month (while I was in Houston) and my real name appeared on the "sender" line. Duh!

All those issues aside, I'm happy because the cake I baked yesterday turned out PERFECT, even if I do say so myself. Also, my cousin came over for lunch. He will be, everyday, because he got accepted into the university (not the same I go to), in medicine, and his classes begin at the end of the month. His house is like 45 minutes away from the university, whereas mine is 15. So this will be like his headquarters. I'm glad, because him and his brother and sister are my favorite relatives EVER (they're the only ones in the family that are in my age range), and whenever we get together, we party like it's 1999.

Alright, that's not true. We're a bunch of stains sitting on a sofa. But hey, we're all about laughs.

And this is me, pressing the "done!" button.

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