Three conversations.
Monday, 01/28/02 - 8:55 pm.

Things are starting to be settled at school: I'm alone, I have no group...blah, blah, blah, I know what my place is. Of course I could try to get out of that frame. Oh, I will. But maybe not tomorrow.

This morning I found a dead, head-less bird in front of Fidel's office. I like getting to school early, so I can see the sunrise. I drop my backpack in the hall and head over to Fidel's to greet him and chat some more. His office is now further from me than it was last year, now I go to it through the middle halls.

I had a great talking with him on the half-hour recess. He's the only one I can really talk to. I told him about how I'm feeling, how I felt in Houston: there, I was so free and independent, the opposite of what I am here. I told him about me feeling stuck in a square, in a comfortable routine that (fortunately or unfortunately) it's going to finish this year, and that I'm scared. I also told him about everybody at school and their "clans", that I'm totally "clan-less". He laughed and said that us, loners, are usually one step ahead of everybody else and we have our personality already defined, while the ones in groups have an identity as a group and when the group is over they have to *start* searching for themselves. He said I didn't need that (a group), at least for now. But that eventually, I'd find one, the right for me. I feel so good talking to him. It feels good that someone listens to you, to the real you, to what you really have to say. We talk, I tell him about me, he tells me about him. It's so nice. I love him so much.

Celina gave me a ring. It's so precious. She made it herself, it's made out of a broken bracelet of hers. It looks like the one Mila Kunis is wearing in the Aerosmith video, Jaded (the one in the finger that touches her tears at the end). I love it so much and I was really thankful. I love receiving little things like those. Simple but so meaningful. She's so sweet.

Before I go on with my school life...my brother is receiving an international award!!!!! The one in Houston, for some research or something. The news made it to the local newspapers today...GO, BRO'!!!!! I'm so proud of him!!! *tears in both eyes*. He'll receive it tomorrow in San Diego, California.

*standing ovation*

Veronica called this evening. We had a long, long talk. She's sad, because she misses his boyfriend and her classroom sucks (yo, so does mine). The only person she talks to is Celina. I know how she feels. She also was sorry for leaving me alone and said she didn't want that to happen again. I felt sorry for her, she was kinda sad. You know what? I miss her. I've been missing her since 8th grade. I still love her, I just wish she'd never done that to me. *sigh*. Well, I have to be there for her. She also mentioned that she and Carmen are trying to make it up. Now, I'm not so sure neither happy about it but still...I love her. I want to cry just to think of all the time we've lost. I feel hurt for the both of us...and oooh, shit. I'm starting to feel depressed.

Also the guy called me. Pardon me but...I LOVE HIM!!!! Yes, it's true. Everytime we hung up I just feel so hurt because he doesn't feel the same way. He wanted to "do it" on the phone (yeeeet again). We wound up...well,he wound up saying that this doesn't work between us anymore. The thing is, he started talking um, "suggestively" (y'know, phone sex). I didn't play his game and that's when he got to that conclusion. It makes me really sad because when he tries to make me feel good...he does. He says the right things (you look so good in that uniform...seriously, I mean it)...but probably he just says it because...he's a guy and I'm a girl, and guys at this age -most of them- are very kind to the opposite sex. *sigh*. When he wants, he make me feel so good. We hung up and I wondered what I should do. In general. I hung up and I didn't know what to do or what to think. All I know is that I love him but he does not love me back, how swell. I don't want to get laid, I want him to love me.

Conclusion of this day? Oh, you want one? Hell, I do. I had three great conversations with people I love. And I got a beautiful ring. And my brother is in the newspaper and he's famous now (many people is calling home saying "congratulations!!!!"). And I learned that Steven Tyler likes to hang-glide. And I finished my essay.

I'm gonna quote Fidel here: You gotta love people, you gotta love them. You also got to know that they're not yours, and someday, they'll walk out of your life. BUT you gotta love the people, there's nothing else to do. Love them, but know they're not yours. I love the guy. And he's not mine. Good ol' Fidel, he's so fuckin' wise.

I just took a Special Aptitude Test to find out if I have what it takes

to be a cartoonist?. More than five "yes" answers means that you are well past the "event horizon" of cartooning, from which there is no return....I got 6 "yes". I'll get an agent tomorrow.

I'm done for today. I'll play with my lovely Sim for a while before I head to bed. Let's see what's in stock for tomorrow. I feel so hurt for Veronica (both what she did to me and not being with her) and for the guy (man, I'm so hopeless) but life goes on. Things may get better. Gee, they'd better or I'm going to have to kick some ass.

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