Of drawings and human beasts.
Monday, 02/04/02 - 8:31 pm.

I called Carmen yesterday...aaawwww, she said thanks for calling me. Aw, I should call her more often (*ahem*, I should call her). We're studying math together tomorrow, after classes. She needs some help with it. I'm not one hell of a nerd but maybe I can help her. It's amazing when you can make someone happy just by talking to that someone. In words of Bill Watterson: sharing with people, I'm always impressed by how they share back.

Veronica studied with me yesterday, too. I'm terribly amused about my self-initiative of calling both Carmen and Veronica to help them. Anyway...we studied a lot and then we just hung out. But she told me a lot of things about the people she's surrounded by. Lately, one of her best friends is bashing her for everything she does....specifically, when it comes to boys (although she does have a boyfriend, Norman). Veronica doesn't understand why. Second...uh, well, it's hard stuff.

You see, she's got "something" that makes her attract almost every fuckin' boy on her way. This is such a problem, because it makes her look like a hooker, when in reality, she's just trying to be friendly to those boys. I believe her pheromones are quite strong though. She's got a lot of problems because of them. Boys follow her, and girls talk behind her back (even in front of her). Anyway...she often tells me that I'm the only one she can talk to about this stuff (she's always having problems with boys, even though she's got a boyfriend), because I listen to her and I don't judge her. She's basically the victim in all that. But people wouldn't know.

A lot of boys have been hitting on her (oh, man...even Dany!!!, I can't believe what he did) since...8th grade? Well, that was when I convinced myself that hormones are pretty much crappy. They did bring me nasty consequences. although those were not my hormones, they were Veronica's (and Carmen's, too...and Norman's...and everybody else's around me). Despite everything, it's not her fault that she's constantly being followed by a lot of guys. I'm glad she considers she can talk to me about that stuff. Yesterday she talked a lot about that part of her life. I mean, I let her talk. She asked me about the guy, but I only said, uh, he calls me once in a while (she doesn't know anything beyond "we had a couple of make-out sessions" -GOSH, I'm so embarrased to even admit that to myself!-).

For some reason, I really didn't feel like telling her. Anyway, she told me some stories about her circle of friends and stuff....I hate it, because everybody has always a crush on everybody, and they all get mad and you just wouldn't believe how hypocrital people can be. She told me the story about a certain guy who was trying to hit on her while he still has a girlfriend. I couldn't believe it, I thought he was a cool guy. Well, I still think he is, and it's hard to imagine him doing that but...Veronica and I have been through different things. We've seen different sides of people. Though I always felt people were quite suspicious, weird and unstable. I knew that someone who's sweet to you, may be a hypocrite.

She (Veronica) ignored me today. Well, she just went with some other people. Yeah, it kinda hurt me, because she keeps saying she doesn't want to get away from me like she's been doing it for years, and after yesterday, I thought things would be a bit different (yet again...self, self, self, when will you learn?).

On happier news, Art & Cel went with me to pick up my nephew to the pre-school hall. It was really sweet. They're both really sweet, and so kind to the little kid. Aaaawwwwww *tear in left eye*. Celina gave me...well, she gave Simeon a cute card. Simeon thinks she's really nice *Simeon sticks up thumbs*

I'm a bit dissapointed on my drawings. I mean, I like them, but they're a bit...dead. No...well, I don't know. I'm a bit scared. I was showing everybody my drawings, it's just a choice, I kept saying. But I'll be honest, I want it to be *the one* so bad. I wish mine was chosen to be on the back of our t-shirts. Well, the thing is...Liz, a girl who is definitely an artist (she's so fuckin' good), showed everybody her drawing. It was...uh, it looked like a bohemian eagle sitting on the globe...the idea is "we're on top of the world!!!" *sigh*. I suppose my stupid parrot can't compete with hers. Mine is a parrot with a "we're coming out, motherfuckers" expression. Since it's in the back of our t-shirts (I hoped so), I drew him ripping off the shirt (that'd be the effect) or, for that matter, breaking through a brick wall.

The problem is...there's a certain group of people..."A" crowd pretenders, if you want. Their "leader" is such a bitch. I don't like her. She is so hypocrital, just like many, many people I've known. She said she liked my design, it was cool, blah, blah, blah....then she was showing everybody Liz's drawing. No, that's not bad, she probably liked it more than mine. But then she started talking as if SHE WAS THE FUCKIN' BOSS!!!! We'll do this, we'll do that...hey, yours can be smaller to fit in front, she said to me. I imagined myself making a face like one I had drawn...an annoyed parrot sitting on the floor, smoke coming out of his head, with a math book on top of it, with a frustrated look in his eyes. I was pissed off at her. And I believe everybody (well, at least that girl) will go for Liz's drawing...because -probably-: "I like Liz more than I like the other girl (c'est moi)". It's what Carmen said it'd happen with her logo...she had done one design and Phillip had done another one. This bitch is Phillip's cousin (they're not alike, only phisycally...Thank God!). The thing is, people will be very partial..."oh, I like this person more than this one, so I'll choose the first person's logo design".

I'm feeling heartbroken already. One of my biggest dreams was to make a design for the prom. I'm thinking that won't happen. Because my drawings, despite they're "cool", they're not as good as Phillip's (he took art classes). Besides, things might get quite personal and therefore partial. Can I say something? I'm so scared, I want to cry. Simeon, give me a fuckin' hug...*Simeon runs up to yours truly and gives her a fuckin' hug*.

Yeah, well...I feel better. I'm just sad. I don't think mine will make it. With Liz in our team (the graphic designers -Carmen, Phillip and yours truly-) I'm screwed. She and Phillip will take all the credit, they'll do everything and people will go for what they propose. Like Carmen said, people don't know she draws, so she doesn't get that much attention...and me...I can't draw as good as the three of them. What am I, stupid? Why do I even want to be a cartoonist, an animator? I suck at it.

Fuck, so did Aerosmith when they started out, they sucked, they sounded lame. But they had something, they had passion. And they learned on the road. They never gave up. A good cartoonist never gives up when his work has been rejected (or so Chris Hart says). I'm not a cartoonist, but I might as well take the advice. And if it doesn't work, I can take Steven's advice: you got to lose to know how to win (you go, Steven!).

Still, I feel bad for my little parrot. I'm starting to get fond of him. I want him to be on top so bad. I know it's not Simeon, but it's a good start.

Yet there's something tasteless on Liz's work: she wants to draw other schools mascots, trying to reach the world, the sphere on which the eagle-like parrot is sitting on. In other words: "hey, we're superior". I think it's tasteless, using that hollier than thou attitude that I hate so much. Many people said we'd better not do that. But then again, that bitch (and her lemmings) said the idea rocked. You fuckin' piece of shit, have some common sense, will you?

I think I've talked too much tonight. I'm going to bed. I wanted to make some other sketches of the parrot but...I really don't know what to do. My drawing skills are limitated (it sounds more polite than "they suck"). I'm feeling quite down...totally F.U.B.R.

After yesterday, I realized again why I hate people so much. And today, I was soooooo dissapointed on so many things. I wasn't meant to be a human, I guess. Neither an ant, a bee nor any of those animals who live in society. Much less a cartoonist. SCREW YOU, FUCKIN' WORLD!!!! Yes, people suck. Not everybody, not 24/7. But they do, ok? And I'm so fuckin' not outgoing, and I'm already tired of keeping this anger to myself. Shit, I don't even know why do I have all that anger...no, wait...I do.

When I grow up, when I'm a succesful cartoonist and animator, I'll buy myself all kinds of glass stuff, just to break it.

prev / next