Monday, 02/11/02 - 5:40 pm.
Yo, it's monday. Loads of school assignments, any of them are for tomorrow. Therefore, I have to work on them today, so the day before I have to turn them in I won't have to work on them. Yes, I do have homework to turn in tomorrow, but I worked on it before and it's done. It's my eternal fight for getting things done ahead of time, and that way I can rest when other people are still working on them. I'm-oh-so clever.
I'm having my good ol' paranoia back. At school, I'm walking around alone, minding my own bussiness and I feel that everybody looks at me. It all started thanks to an idiot, Mario, from 7th grade. He goes: "whoa, look at her!!!", for no reason, just teasing. The first time it pissed me off, I answered something like: "do you really care?". Seconds after, I thought it would have been better if I'd ignored him. Today he did it again and I didn't even turn my head. I won't speak to him again, just because (people, him in particular, can't stand they're being ignored). He seems to believe that he's important because he knows a Senior (c'est moi) -he rides on my school bus-. Poor pathetic soul. Someone needs to go into puberty quickly.
Anyway, I felt paranoid, go me. On the other hand, I started labeling people...right from the moment I felt paranoid. Then everyone who walked me by, who talked to me, got a gratuitous label, like a post-it on their foreheads. The stupid thing is that I labeled everybody with the same name: human failure. It might sound like I was getting some ego boost and I wanted to feel superior. Not at all, I just thought that human failure would be the perfect insult for Mario, he's oh-so lame, seriously. I couldn't take that name off my head, so I was saying it (in my mind) to everybody, to see who'd fit in. Honestly, not many did. I guess people don't suck *that* much.
Carmen talked to me. Her problems with her family got her kind of depressed, she thinks she's a mistake, blah, blah, blah. Then she said "thank you for listening to me, you always listen to me, it helps a lot". Aaawwww...I'm glad that's of some help. On the other hand, Veronica keeps getting lost. Sucks to be her, I know then she'll come asking me to forgive her for getting lost.
I am getting over The Guy, despite I'm talking about him right now. You'll see, it kind of hurts me that everytime I notice he's around, I have to turn my head to the opposite direction. But at the same time, at least that pain it's useful, not the same old: "love me, I'm hurting myself for you, although you don't care about me" phrase that I used to live by. Now it's: "get the fuck over him and move on, even if it hurts you in the beggining". It does work. Today I thought less of him. I avoided all of the places I thought I'd see him...ok, not all of them (excuse me, I'm still in rehab) but quite a few.
One thing I learned I've been doing everytime I like a boy (but only really noticed after my pathetic confussion with Melvin) is that I don't go to the place (*Simeon draws quotation marks in the air with his fingers*) "he" is, I go to the place "he" might go to after he moves out of the place "he" currently is. Yeah, most of times I develop the whole psychological profile of the individual and I "secretly" stalk him. And, you've got my word, none of my victims has noticed that I'm in love with him, that I care about him...ever. Good work, self! Although it's totally the opposite objective of going after someone. But still, good work.
Not to worry though, my infatuations last less than four days, that's why I don't need to "get out of the closet". Horrible obssessions, like the one with Melvin, last about 24 hours. Except for the one with The Guy, that's been going on since I met him. And in that case, I don't feel the need of getting out of the damn closet either. He doesn't feel the same way about me, so I'll save the embarrassment for myself.
By the way, he just called. His "hi" always makes my heart bounce (I'm so crappy) but eventually he just sounds like a friend to me...like this time. *Standing ovation by Simeon*. Thank you, thank you.
Today, I was alone during the 30 minutes recess (Veronica dissappeared, Carmen was in a Central Commission meeting in Julio's office), and there was a point when I felt drowned in a blissful aisolation. I liked it. I didn't feel alone, despite I was.
I told God...well, shit...I faxed him a document, if that makes me sound less of a religion freak (which I'm not), where I'd written down that I felt alone. Not because he had left me alone, I've never felt he's left me alone (well, sometimes...I'm somewhat heretic). But I felt alone. He told me (shit, why is it that if you talk to God you're religious but if He talks to you, you're plain crazy?)...*ahem*, he faxed me back, saying that I had an earthly loneliness. Yes, pretty much. That was one of the quickest answers I've ever gotten from Him (for instance, He hasn't said a word about me meeting Aerosmith, and I asked that several years ago). Huh, either that, or I'm schizophrenic again.
So, Valentine's Day is coming. My Valentine is a girl I don't know. Still, I have to get her a present. I don't know whose Valentine I am. Don't know, don't care. I'll probably get chocolates. Yo, I got her chocolates. Probably it's just my hormones and in a few days I'll stop caring about getting some "romantic" company. I'm not a romantic person, anyway. I don't think the Taj Mahal is romantic (well, besides Amaya, from The Real World, Hawaii I don't think anyone believes that place is romantic...Plus, Taj is Steven and Teresa Tyler's son), I don't need to be taken to a romantic restaurant, I definitely do not want poems...I mean...no. McDonald's does it for me. I don't need anything oh-so-romantic.
Need someone to be close to
Somebody cozy, not somebody nosey
Help me see my whole day through
Someone to share the load
Somebody to walk the road I live on....live
Good Lord send me, Good Lord mend me
Send me down someone for me
Said I won't be choosy, You could send me a floozy
Send me anybody you please
Somebody say you will
Somebody further still
Somebody, send somebody for me.
Somebody - Aerosmith.
Oh, yeah, yeah...the gang saw my drawing, they said it was cool. Not "cool", but "heh-heh-heh, cool"...Beavis&Butthead-like, that is. That's the way they are.