Conscious inertia.
Friday, 02/15/02 - 7:23 pm.

Yo, I got reviewed again!!!! I was star-reviewed. I have a great gift for self-analysis, go figure. Well, it was nice. They're really cute reviewers (no, I'd say that even if they had said I sucked, I guess).

I had somewhat a bad day, I cried (inside of me, though). Yeeeeeh, me and my loneliness, I believe. I felt incredibly alone, that little hole in every heartbeat that I mentioned yesterday. Oooh, don't cry now, bitch, I heard on the back of my head. Sometimes I use "bitch" as a synonym for "sweetheart", don't worry. I didn't cry, but I did feel the tears coming down...I mean, they didn't come out, they just stayed in my eyes.

This morning, I saw the guy hugging a girl, talking to her...the usual, I'd say. It still makes me feel uncomfortable, somewhat sad, despite I (say) I'm not in love with him anymore. That was part of the problem. The other part, is that sometimes I feel left. I don't know how to stand out. It's hard when you want to be the center of attention (in a good way) and you are so fuckin' introvert. Not shy, introvert. I don't mean exactly "the center of attention", I noticed. I kept my head in between my hands almost the whole morning during periods, my hair covering my face, and I kept silence almost throughout the whole morning. I was so empty, so pointless.

You see, sometimes I need a motivation, something to guide me through the day. I don't feel motivated by thinking I'll see the guy on recess anymore. Because he always ignores me and I ignore him back (that's part of the painful process of giving up something that you think could've been good). And today....well, nothing to wait for, nothing that'd come and make me smile. I was just living because I was. Pure inertia.

But eventually, things got better. First, I got a gift from my Valentine, who happened to be Rod...he gave me the coolest ring I've ever looks like a cobra, all twisted around my finger. I love it. Now I have one ring for each of my fingers, except for one pinky. Second, Nayda, Fidel's daughter gave me a clip. Yes, a clip, the ones used to clip (duh) papers. It's red. I appreciated it a lot, coming from her. Oh, yes...and I also got a little note from a girl named Ana. Sometimes she bitches too much, but it was really sweet of her to think of me, since we really don't talk a lot to each other.

Last, but not least, Art gave me a letter. It had the lyrics to Aenemia or something, by, uh....Tool?...yes! yeah, yeah, Tool. Kind of depressing lyrics, but there was some true to it. Below those, he told me why he didn't call last night (he fell asleep) and also told me he feels I don't have that much confidence to him and Celina. He said it in a "we're here for you" way, not "you're such a close person, you suck". It was a nice thing, it made my day. Basically, he said that Celina and him wanted to be my friends....aaawwww....I wrote him back. With the lyrics to Combination and Lightning Strikes. I like the guy. I like his girl. I love them both. They noticed I was sad and I know I can count on them. It's like they want to take care of me.

HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT!!!!! My message to Brad went through!!!!!!!!!!! And I also left a message for Rick Dufay. He was Brad's replacement on the album Rock In A Hard Place. Both their birthdays are coming. Kind of weird....but....fuck, Brad will read my message....daaaammmitttt!!!!!. I can't believe it.

R.I.P. The twins. I went this afternoon to check on the nest, and all I found was a feather. Nothing else. Just an empty nest (pretty much like I'm feeling lately, a perfect graphic description). They couldn't have grown that fast. It breaks my heart, all of the nests I've seen in my garden never make it.

Mars, Norman and maybe Celina are coming over tomorrow. I'm sucking at math, so bad, I need help. Divine help. Speaking of everything divine, God gave me a bracelet for Valentine's Day...ok, ok...He FedEx'd it to me, geezus. You'll see, I was sitting in the hall, Valentine's Day, feeling all alone. And suddenly, someone approaches to me and asks: is this yours? was a beautiful black bracelet, with two stars. No, it wasn't mine. But they asked around and it wasn't anyone else's, so I kept it. It felt weird when I put it on. It was not the typical feeling of "hey, it's mine now". It was like that bracelet was for me. I don't know, it felt weird, the kind of feeling that makes you go: there's something out there..., *something* looking down on you.

A 1,500 pieces puzzle. 1,499 pieces are in their place. The 1,500th piece is missing. Are you happy with a puzzle that's missing one piece? I'm not. Even if I have 99,999 piece out of 100,000, I'm not happy with it. Why? Because it's simply incomplete.

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