Wednesday, 02/20/02 - 6:49 pm.
It seems sadness makes me totally invisible to everybody.
It all started on the science period, I guess. Charlie kindly gave us the period off, to make it up...to make up the fact that yesterday he switched classrooms with our math Teacher and we got mad at him. Yo, we hate math. So, anyway...he said he was sorry, but he needed to catch up with the other classroom, that's why he had to switch. Anyway, he said he'd let us do whatever we wanted, but inside the classroom...and people started complaining...No, Charlie!!! Let's get out!!!...blah, blah, blah, 5 minutes of blah, I started talking in the middle of that jungle of noise and...lucky me!!! Everybody happened to shut up right when I was saying...stop fuckin' up, dammit!...everybody turned their heads to me...so I figured that now I had their attention, either I wanted or not...so I said: fuck, people, stop complaining, do something for fuck's sake, sleep, I don't know... just fuckin'....just stop complaining, dammit. Silence, and Charlie, totally surprised, went: uh, yeah. I thought someone would say something against me but then everybody just sat in the floor, got together or moved their desks to chat with the neighbor. Hell, all people do is complaining, it was about time they shut up. It pissed me off. People are so stupid. Humanity is Nature's biggest fuck-up.
Throughout the 45 minutes, I was alone, with my head on the desk, my hair covering my face...my face getting burned with Liquid Paper (I didn't know that thing could burn you)...45 minutes. I felt dead. Talked to anyone, anyone talked to me. I thought of people...Sometimes I give people too much credit. I think I wasn't born to be a human, or any other social being for that matter.
I felt I was falling in an hole, deep, so deep, with no one around to help me. No one will ever help me, I thought. I was right. Throughout the whole day, no one did. Under normal circumstances, I'd have said that phrase with some kind of "backwards psychology", since sometimes when you say something it happens the opposite. This time, I said it convinced that it was true. And I was right.
I reached the higher point of my depression on recess, can't remember which. I'd never wished so bad for having a gun in my hands. No, I wasn't thinking of shooting anybody, just myself. All I wanted was to stand right in that intersection of halls that make a cross, that unite Junior, Senior and The Main halls. I wanted to stand there, shoot in a random direction and then shoot myself in the neck.
What can I say....I've been wanting to cry the whole day. But I really didn't want to call anybody's attention (go figure). I felt I needed a space for myself, where I could cry with no one around. I felt I needed a friend with whom I'd feel free to cry...but there's no one I feel comfortable with, not 100%. Plus, everybody ignored me. Everybody. Even the ones, my friends, who I was hoping I'd get at least a smile from while I was walking to the classroom after recess, didn't even turn their heads to me. No one. Some people asked, way too late, if something was wrong with me....no, I said. But there is something wrong with me...everybody else.
I think I'm dead. I wish I was dead. Not because...I mean, it's not like I'll commit suicide or anything...but right now, it'd be the same for me if I was dead. And honestly, as much as I need someone to be with me, I want to be alone. I'm sick of counting on people. In the end, it's all useless.
Maybe I need to sleep more? I get that feeling, though I sleep 7-8 hours. On other news, my brother Carlos is movin' out this weekend. My brother Alan is going to Houston for good in january...I'll be the only one in the house. That's also making me feel really bad. It has nothing to do with what I've said above, but it makes me cry, nonetheless.
I had come up with some pretty good lyrics (if I do say so myself) and I wrote some of them all over my hand. But they erased. I've noticed that all of the school shootings have been done by boys. For a second I thought...what if I was the first girl....?. I'm sorry for sounding cruel. Is there an excuse that could excuse such sick thought? I don't fuckin' care.
I can't say how hopeless I feel. Now I feel everyday is an useless road that's taking me anywhere. I'm dead. I walk dead, who cares. I'm a dead girl walking and no one sees.
Suicide takes a lot of courage, and that's something people won't tell you. You've really got to be brave to take such decision. Anybody could argue that you're being a coward for running away from your problems...but don't fuckin' tell it doesn't take balls to kill yourself.
I'm not feeling well. I ask...if the things you do come back to you....what the hell have I done to deserve such thing? I don't ignore people. I guess I'm just invisible. I ask if this is a punishment for some major fuck-up I did. I get no response, thankyouverymuch.