I'm not gonna head on back yonder.
Friday, Feb. 22, 2002 - 8:20 pm.

Fuck this crap, I had written a whole entry and this fuckin' shit erased it. So, oh-joy, it's the last thing I needed to make my day totally miserable.

Well, I'll try to make it brief, I'm not writing the whole goddamn crap again.

Hector gave me a cup of coffee on the long recess. I talked to him and to Domingo, we had a nice talk.

I sneaked up in the Central Commission meeting. It's a whole mess. To make it short, my parrot won, by a difference of 5 votes. So, half of the prom is pissed and they can't accept that mine won. They want to vote again. Dammit, we have no time. They're so selfish. It was a long meeting, but in a few words...you really can't get along and make 110 people happy, specially when 95% of them are stupid. I suppose my parrot will have to be drawn with Liz's, in some lame attemp of getting everybody happy (like I said, you can't). So I'm not that happy that mine won. Fuck people.

Have I mentioned that Domingo is my son-in-law? He's married to my daughter, Liv. Duh, she's my daughter because I'm married to Steven. So, we're relatives (in some delusional way). The thing is, I told Domingo that he looked like a hobbit. Then he said I was an elf. Partly because I'm the mother of one (Liv plays Arwen on LOTR, remember?). Fidel said I'm one beautiful elf and he wishes one day he can marry one like me. Awww, sweet.

I discovered coffee makes me feel fulfilled. Like some kind of spiritual growth. Also, I went with my parental units to eat something when I was dismissed. I had an apple pie. Like I sad once when I was in Houston, apple pie also makes me grow, emotionally speaking. I know, it sounds weird. But both things make me feel I take care of myself. Going out with my parental units becomes more and more annoying everytime though.

I had my first Social Service meeting. I'm decorating church for some elementary school activity in a few weeks. In that group we're only three people: Denver, yours truly and Ricardo, who happens to be one of the guy's best friends (if not THE best friend).

Which brings me to the sad part of the day. I'll start off by talking about my dreams: I've had two dreams that have really came true (that I remember).

I often dream of drowning in the sea. Not drowning, but water always gets up to my neck. Anyway, once I dreamed of a sea in a lounge. I went through a hall, I opened the door and in that room there was the sea, infinite as ever, swallowing the walls as they got further from the seashore, until they got lost in the horizon. And the water level started to increase, and it covered me little by little.

One day, back to real life, I went with my parental units and Renan and Rebeca (shit, I miss them so much) to the beach. In front of it, there was some kind of village, a little town. To go to the beach, you had to go through an alley, that somewhat ressembled a hall. We walked through the alley, and it was THE SAME FUCKIN' IMAGE I saw in my dream. The sea, wide open. The walls (they were part of the houses that were besides the alley), extending until they dissappeared...I mean, it freaked me out, it scared the shit out of me. In my dream, I was with someone. I was with parents and nephew and niece. In my dream, the water level increased. That happened there, too. I mean...FUCK, I WAS LIVING MY DREAM!!!

The other dream that came true, as a matter of fact, came true a few days ago...remember my dream with Melvin? him kissing my ear. And remember, the day after I dreamed that, Norman kissed Veronica's ear in the same way. Weirdness.

Now, this is last night's dream: Ricardo...well, let me say this first: He's the twin brother of the guy, literally. They walk, laugh, talk, act the same way. They're the same height, the same body (way different face, though). I mean, you'd be surprised if you saw them. So, anyway...I dreamed of him. He was holding a girl, very thight, and the girl was holding him thight, too. I felt jealous, very jealous and mad. I loved him (in real life, we've only exchanged a few words).

Now...today, after the exam, Cel and I hung out together (she said she wanted to spend time with me...aaawwww *tear in left eye*). We sat in some tables that are near the halls. She sat in one and I sat in front of her, so we both were facing opposite directions. I'm sure she didn't even notice what happened behind her...

Guess who sat in the table that was in front of us....uh-huh, the guy. BUT....huge BUT....he wasn't alone. He was holding a girl. And the girl was holding him by the hip. They were holding each other thight, really thight. And they...shit, they sat right in the direction I was facing...I kept looking at Celina, acting like nothing was happening, but I kind of looked at them once in a while. They were...cuddling. I just kept talking to Cel. Freaky stuff, I was telling her about my dream of the sea in the lounge.

Hours later, I remembered my dream with Ricardo. And it was the same image I saw with the guy. A boy, who I'm in love with, with a girl, who's not me, holding each other, really thight. Was it a premonition? I don't know. But it gave me the fuckin' creeps.

And there you have it.

Something bad tells me my baby/ my baby don't want me no more. (is there another secret meaning to this whole crappy situation, since this song was sung in PA, exactly on my birthday?)

I didn't cry. I really haven't cried. I don't want to cry about it. It's not like I feel it's the end of the world, but it does hurt me. Quoting Bon Jovi: I'm a headline on yesterday's news...for good. I was in Fidel's office today, and I saw a calendar...in march, Junior High is going to have a spiritual retirement, two days in some kind of place for meditation, up in the hills. The place where I fell in love with him, pathetique moi (not sure if that's well said, I don't care. You get the point). The place where we *ahem*...got close. And now he'll do it with someone else. He won't even remember who I was. Just like I told him last year when we were in my room, him wanting to get laid: I told him that it'd mean nothing to him, I'd be just an object to him, he'd just use me and then dump me. Yet I went for it. He said he wouldn't do that, but he did. I'm so stupid.

I came home and Nine Lives was in my CD player. I played Hole In My Soul, Full Circle, Ain't That A Bitch and Kiss Your Past Good-Bye. I never found those lyrics so meaningful.

How do I feel? I feel...happy about him, I mean, I hope he found a girl that can make him happy and give him a reason to accept that class (the class of 2003) as his own. I'm not happy about me, duh. I wish....I don't know. I just find it kind of cruel. They sat right in front of me, as if he was bragging and laughing at me (no, he doesn't know I love him...I mean, he was probably saying: "I found someone and you haven't...I don't need you anymore"). Plus, I saw them several times today, and they were always holding each other, her by his hip, him by her shoulders, like they couldn't keep their hands off each other. I ran into them once, face to face...and I was totally ignored. I was preparing my best smile for him. And believe me, it was going to be a honest smile. But he didn't even turn my head to me.

I'm starting to notice it's really affecting me. I'd better stop here or I'll flood the room. Shit, the goddamn sea again.

'Cause if it's over.....then it's over
and it's driving me insane
take a walk outside your mind
tell me how it feels to be
the one who turns the knife inside of me
take a look and you will find
there's nothing there, yeah, I swear
I'm telling you 'cause there's
a hole in my soul
that's been killing me forever
it's a place where a garden never grows
there's a hole in my sould
yeah, I should've known better
'cause your "love"'s like a thorn without a rose...

*sigh*...then I guess it's trying to kiss the past good-bye.

You think you're high and fine and wine
then you wind up with your face in a ditch
'cause love is like the right dress on the wrong girl
ain't that a bitch?

Ain't that unfair?

"Yeah, yeah. Girl, now leave that alone....can't you leave it all alone?"

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