Thursday, 09/20/01 - 8:17 p.m..
Holy......shit. Holy shit. Holy shit...I'm scared to death. God, I'm scared to death. Tomorrow is my math exam...I suck at math. I have to do well, I can't fuckin' screw it all like last year. In the last second. I think I deserve a good grade, I've been studying a lot, every fuckin' day. Oh, God, please have mercy on me.
I had a normal day, hi. I ran away from everybody, I had a stupid social studies exam...I can't fuckin' stand one more day at school. I don't want to graduate, though. It's just...I'm starting to feel all tired out. Plus, tomorrow we can go wearing whatever we want. I want to wear my damn uniform. I can't stand people wearing "cool clothes" just to look cool. Not that I don't care how I look, but I won't be ridiculous enough to go to the mall to buy a new pair of "in" jeans that I'll wear just this fuckin' day because "my whole life is wasted in caring about what pathetic people like me think of my looks".
I can't remember what I did today....no, wait, I remember now...I had to deal with a group I was working with. I can't talk, they don't listen. I talk and they interrupt me with their senseless ideas (I'm not a know-it-all, for Christ's sake, I just happen to have some common sense). They don't pay attention and look like drunk people, laughing and stuff. They're good people but when it comes to get work done, I'd rather do it by myself. They're not the kind of people I love to be with....as if I'd love to be with people. Well, I do love it. But I actually don't feel comfortable with anyone I know. Like I've said before, I think I'm missing someone(s).
Oh, fuck, my lungs hurt. I'll go to bed. I'm so tired I'd love to breakdown and cry. I have to take Simeon to school tomorrow. He'll be hung on a wall for a few days. I'll miss him....
On the other hand, I'm scared. Getting back to the first hand, I'm tired of dealing with shallow people at school (that's the only place where I have to deal with people, anyway...but that's enough and sometimes too much.).
I'm starting to feel desperate, everybody walking around the house, my dad getting on my nerves with his gestures, my motherfuckin' pain in my lungs, where the fuck is that coming from? How the hell can eating chicken give you pain in your lungs AND ribs? It did make me feel fat, though. I feel fuckin' fat ( but I'm in a good shape...enough to think I have no need of getting anorexic). I'm desperate. I'm fuckin' desperate!!!! I'm desperate....plain desperate, everything is getting on my nerves. People, fuckin' people, damn people, this fuckin' pain, this fuckin' math exam, this fuckin' SE assignment, this fuckin' tiredness, all of these assholes trying to make war thinking they're the big shit...I want to beat myself up...Why is it that I want to (and seldom actually do) hurt myself when I get desperate? Fuck, I love me. Thank God for self-esteem...It must be this fuckin' schizophrenia...it's a hostage case....
Quick, mom!!! Go get me another helmet and 78 pounds of prozac!!!
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