The crash against what reflections are made of.
Friday, 03/08/02 - 3:39 pm.

I'm the dumbest person in the fuckin' world. I hate math tests. I'm so fuckin' stupid, I hate myself, I suck, I should kill myself and save myself all the trouble and embarrassment of failing such an easy test.

Not even Simeon helped me. Still, he doesn't suck. I'm glad he went to school with me again today. People asked me what he's made of. He's made out of Simeon, I said. People asked me who gave it to me. Simeon did, I said. Everybody loves Simeon.

Another day without Carmen. No comments. Another day without Nayda and Fidel. I've always been used to loneliness and their absense hasn't been such an issue for me, I don't know why I was so afraid of being alone since that's my natural state. Another day without the guy. I've done very well. *Simeon smiles softly*.

Veronica...she keeps crying. She seems to need a father. She doesn't know her dad face to face and she hates him. But psychologically speaking (listen to me, the next Freud) she needs a man to look up to...err, I *think*. I say this because she's always building a relationship with the best teachers (by "best" I mean the ones that treat you like a friend and that make you feel comfortable when talking about personal issues). And today, I was with her and she asked Geovanni, our psychology teacher, if they could have a talk next week. I know that. She does it often with good people (she did it with Fidel, if that tells you something).

Sometimes I feel bad, thinking that I'm not helping her. Today, on recess, she sat next to me and asked what was wrong with me. What are you thinking?, she asked. Nothing, I said. She removed my hair from my face and asked: why do you need to cover your beautiful face with your hair?. I sort of smiled. "Beautiful". I didn't say anything. I don't know how to act....fuck. I just discovered my current problem with her. I don't know how to act towards her, because on one hand I love her, on the other hand, I'm really hurt. On one side, she has problems. One specific problem is new to her. On the other side, I've got that same problem, a problem that is not new to me, that I've learned to accept, face and deal with. And she's the one who put me through that problem in first instance.

It's maybe that I see myself reflected in her. But not like a mirror. What would you do if you saw yourself, standing in front of you, talking of the problems you've got, asking you for help? Personally, I'd be scared and speechless. First off...what the hell am I doing in front, outside of me?. No, I don't know if I'd be scared. But I'll...uh, I don't know. It's the first time I've asked this question to myself, it just popped out of my brain. Maybe if I had me in front of me it'd probably be easier for me to answer me.

I think I lost the point of all this...

The point is, in front of her, I don't know how to act, how to react, what to do, what to think, what to say, what to feel.

Hector would probably say it's a moral dilemma. I once asked him if there could be a struggle between aethics and moral. Aethics is the science of moral, aethics studies moral, he'd said. And when I asked him, he said that I probably didn't get the real meaning of what each thing was. Excuse me, mister...Theory (aethics) and practice (moral) look very opposite to me in this specific situation. Is that even normal?.....shit, I hate being this evolved.

Did I mention that yesterday a car crashed against the school gates? Well, a car crashed against the school gates yesterday. I was in the green tables zone, reading some psychology pamphlet and I heard something...I turned my head to the school entrance and all I saw was a car removing the school gate from its place. The car stopped and the door fell on it. It was a weird scene. No, no injuries, which made it less of a guilty pleasure to watch.

This is one of the few days in my whole high school existence as a senior when I'm home early. I'm not gonna do anything today. Tomorrow I'll go to school to have math classes, because I terribly suck at it and it makes me feel inferior and...etc. Damned mathematics. It's so perfect. It's so perfect that when it can't solve a problem the answer it's just: it's imposible. And you can't do anything to prove it wrong.

I read the newspaper today (I hadn't read it because of my lack of spare time) and I'm ashamed of mankind. Mothers who sale their daughters as prostitutes, men hunting and killing animals just for fun, a 14-year-old genius who's turning himself and his parents into cyborgs...when will mankind end? (I mean, when will it disappear from earth. Because if we're talking about evolution, cyborgs and artificial humans will be among us in a near future).

Victor gave yours truly an idea for a comic strip. I think a devil would be a nice charachter. *Simeon points at the clock*...yeah, in less than three hours, the guy will be back in town. Oh, well, what's to say.....I can only congratulate him.

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The Aerosmith Headlines News of today:

Joe Perry is having some trees taken down at his house.

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