Friday, 04/05/02 - 7:39 pm.
Yesterday he (The Guy, duh) called me, in the evening. First it was his usual try-outs. Later on, somehow, I got to say (in a friendly way):
- Listen, it's just your "urge". You don't want me. If I was standing in front of you, you wouldn't do anything to me. It's just that on the phone your mind can fly, you can imagine what you want, because you're not seeing who's on the other side. If I was in front of you, you'd do anything, you'd pass me by....just like you do at school.
I can't invite him over. He asked me why I haven't. I told him it was a moral dilemma, I really didn't know what to say...but then, after we hung up, I realized why...it'd be like offering something that I can't give him.
He said that this time it was completely over (after he agreed with me on the "urge" thing), that he'll just call me to check on me. That he couldn't accomplish it and never will. I think he meant have sex with me. I didn't quite understand that urge. He doesn't even like me.
There was a part of the conversation in which I started bugging him. I told him repeteadly to go study, that he shouldn't be chasing girls, he should study. Don't mention studying, please. There was something in his voice that made me regret what I said. I knew that Fidel had been very harsh on him that day (like I mentioned yesterday), he didn't need to be told yet one more time what he had to do. He didn't need more shit.
You don't know what it's like to have in front of you one angry Fidel, scolding you. God forbid you ever find out.
This afternoon, Cel said she wanted to talk to me. She'd talked to him, and told me how fucked up he is: someone said to him that he's repeating Junior just to get a girlfriend (he feels bad when someone tells him he's a pimp, let alone if that's to justify such hard thing like repeating one school year), Fidel'd talked to him in a not-so-friendly-way, he's not getting the grades he needs, someone told the science teacher that he hadn't participated on a group work, he's having problems with a group of people....I'm telling you this since...well, you know....you could talk to him. Yes, I wish.
As soon as I got home, I grabbed the phone and dialed his number. He answered. I asked him how his day was, and about his grades. He did good...but not good enough. He got 7s, he needs 8s. He couldn't believe I failed a subject (you, the nerd?). I couldn't find a moment to ask him about anything. I just couldn't.
We hung up. And I cried. It'd been so long since I'd cried like that. I put on You see me crying, Uncle Salty and Season of wither, by Aerosmith. I really wasn't in the mood for anything happy. I felt useless in his life, I felt unable to help him, I felt not good enough to help him. I asked him if everything was ok, yeah, yeah, everything's allright. He won't tell me anything, he won't let me help him (and I can't go making him do it either). I figure I'm nothing in his life. And all I've got to help him is his phone number.
So I cried. Because I'd worked so hard to get a good grade at math yet I failed and now only God's presence before my math teacher can save my final grade, or if it was because I felt (I feel) impotent, useless, not good enough, unable, not allowed, not accepted to help him.
If I work so hard on math, why does it seem like I don't give a fuck? My teacher doesn't even believe me, and now it seems that the only option I haven't tried is not to study. And I'm really not in conditions to take risks.
Why did that happen? Why did I meet him (specially in such way) if it wouldn't last? Why does that happen to him if he doesn't deserve it and why can't I be the one who helps him, since I'm the one who loves him the most?