Thursday, 04/11/02 - 10:07 pm.
Today it was our first meeting for next week's spiritual thing. I saw all that people in that room in which we were having the meeting. I felt empty. Most of them are going for the simple pleasure of fuckin' around with their friends. Me...I don't know why I go. Today I felt very discouraged. I don't want to be with anybody, they victimize themselves, apologize to everybody, cry, cry, cry and when we come back it's like nothing ever happened. They make promises that are left behind up there in that hill.
Good thing though, I don't feel the need of having the guy around. In fact, that's the last thing I need. It's bad enough to have all those strangers around me, apologizing for making me invisible and then blowing me away again.
I realized I live surrounded by strangers.
I had to work with the do-it-all-team after exams were over. I should specify that we're 7 members: Norman, Carmen, Fo, Denver, Phil, Roberto and yours truly. Many times I've caught myself feeling part of this group, specially when we're walking down the halls, surrounding Karla as if we were her boyguards, talking about our tasks. But sometimes, like today....I feel I come from a very distant galaxy, in which we don't watch a lot of movies, we don't play Uno and we're not obssessive fans of football soccer teams from Spain. Of course they're cool people. I'm just not 100% part of them.
Have you listened to Sunshine? it's the only Aerosmith song I've been listening to these days. It's been hard for me to bare things lately. Not that I can't, because I can. It's just that I feel it's very hard.
So I'm in a bad mood, ok? I haven't been like this for ages, since last year, I guess. A few weeks ago I read my first entries and holyfuckingshit, I can't believe how much I complained about everything. I was depressed almost all the time. Oh, well....it's not so hard to explain: I'm part human, and to make it worse, I'm a teenager, so I'm bound to victimize myself to depression, specially with an enviroment that does not fulfill my expectations.
The thing is....I'm going up there for myself. Not to be with anyone. I'm going there to have a conversation. Karla said that many people believe that praying is to talk to God. Talk, talk, talk. They never listen to what God has to say, and how He says it. So what keeps my head up is the hope of having God tell me something I still don't know. Because honestly, the rest is a story that repeats over and over again, every year, since 8th grade. I know the drill of going to this spiritual retire thing: get together with friends, pretend you've become more thoughtful, cry over mistakes and then go back to your normal life. I know it all. And I'm sick of it.
Some people deserve to be murdered. I know, not everybody is a bad person. People, in a bizarre way, are beautiful and it's hard to generalize, because there are one of a kind people. Fidel and I agree on that one. But 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Humanity is nature's biggest fuck-up. Well, Fidel says the fuck up was to give mankind the ability to think. And you know what's worse? humans use their gift to think for the wrong purposes.
As things turn out, this gift is merely a consolation of our lack of instinct and specialization. I mean, each animal can do a specific thing to survive, and eventually it keeps every species alive, because even if it's eating each other, they keep an equillibrium. Humans come in the picture and we're fucked up. It seems the only thing people can use in a smart way it's their stupidity.
The saddest thing it's that I'm (partly) human, too. And I share the guilt.
I've given up on mankind.
But anyway, getting back to the main point...I'm really not looking forward to next thursday. It'll be beautiful, I know. But on ther other hand, it'll suck. I'm really not wishing the guy went. I'm really not wishing for anyone to apologize to me. I'm really not wishing to get to know anyone better. I really wish.....I was somewhere else, with non-strangers.
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