I'm F.I.N.E.
Monday, 03/15/02 - 7:36 pm.

The Mtv Icon crap......KICKED ASS!!! You read it for yourself, I don't feel like talking about it. I'm sure I'll miss it, I doubt I'll ever get to watch it (damn MtvLa). But at least they've already taped the NEW VIDEO!!!! For their single, Girls Of Summer.

I love this pic (with Taj!), this one (with Liv!), this one, this one (with Teresa -his wife-, Taj and his daughters Mia and Chelsea...my, she's grown *tear in left eye*), and...of course, this one.



O-k. First off, you know how I've been feeling about people lately.

Well, this morning, I was surprised when Victor, out of nothing goes: hey, you look very...uh, "dark" today.
Is it the hair?, I asked.
No, no...you.

I must say, I was very surprised, because I didn't think my state of mind would materialize. He's a very perceptive person, and the whole day he was looking after me, because of my dark looks. He'd tap my shoulder, caress my hair, hold my hand....he's a sweet kid. And it was hard to convince him I wasn't sad.

Truth is, I was feeling dark. I wrote I am Jack's loss of hope on my hand and on my wrists, a dotted line and scissors, with the legend: cut the dotted line. I wasn't depressed at all. In fact, I was thinking (I still think) I'm one of the happiest people in the world.

Or the least fucked-up.

At school we watched a rather interesting documentary on nature's equilibrium. I knew about the lemmings, but I'd never seen them do it before. You know, those rodents that every four years, when there are too many individuals and they're losing their equilibrium, they commit massive suicide by jumping off to the sea and drowning. My classmates said it was dumb. I thought it was brilliant. Heartbreaking, but brilliant.

For some strange reason, not all of the lemmings jump. And the ones that remain alive, begin with the new generation.

Then, they talked about an experiment with rats. They threw some (didn't say the number) in an enviroment similar to humans'...with no diseases, no predators...you get the point. The population started to increase. And increase. And increase. Eventually, you could see social groups. Some where marginalized by the rest...their tails were bitten, they were very skinny...on the other hand, you could see big, healthy rats, that had no need to fight, no one did anything to them, and basically their own job was to primp. You could say they were the popular rats...and the most interesting thing is that they were the most stupid among that group.

To make it short: one of the conclusions was that the more the population increased, the more violent society became. Eventually, every rat was hurt badly. And eventually, every rat died.

Then they showed clips of some riot, somewhere in the planet. And I thought of people. I thought of what I've been thinking lately.

We're too many.

And yes, it's been scientifically verified that the more people, the more violent.

And voila, one concrete reason why I hate masses.

But anyway...I bit my thumb in the afternoon and I left the marks of my teeth. I showed it to Victor and he said: wha..? my little thing, honey...don't be ridiculous.... He was worried about me. I don't know why I did it. I wasn't feeling self-destructive. The documentary said that if we could understand the lemmings behavior, maybe we could understand why humans are so self-destructive. I wasn't feeling self-destructive. I wanted to see something new in my skin. I couldn't convince him that I was ok, so damn fine. I don't know...how would you describe my current.......state? Words just fail me.

All I was seeing today were vertical codes everywhere. I mean, all my enviroment was built by these green, vertical codes. It all was a fake reality.

And maybe reality doesn't even exist. It's just a subjective perpception.

I should start thinking of getting myself a straightjacket.

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