Saturday, 04/20/02 - 7:19 pm.
Ok, so it was april 18th. I arrived to Loyola. Everybody was chatting and very excited. I didn't chat. I didn't have anyone to chat with. But I didn't care. I mean, I felt I was very used to it.
First off, a few basics:
There are three halls: A, B and C. A for boys, B and C for girls. I was in hall C, room 9. Accross my hall, there was a walkway that took you to the little chapel. Next to it, there's a little...garden, from where you can see the city, the mountains and all that. From that place, it looks beautiful. Up the halls, there are open spaces with trees. Basically a forest.
Anyway...first thing: we went to the little chapel, we had a little introduction, we said some prayers and then off to our meditation group. Our guides were this father named Mynor (cool name, huh?) and a former student (who graduated last year). Some people in my group were Ricardo, Elsy, Angelica and Laura. Just to mention a few, we were about 13 or 14. Laura was Ricardo's girlfriend last year...for 24 hours. She was very upset about her luck: she just had to be in the same group as him. Ricardo and Elsy seem to hate each other, which is very suspicious. It makes you think they'll wind up together. But on the other hand, Elsy spends a lot of time with Pablo, although they were a couple for about a week. But that's not the point.
The point is, I was there. And I was sick, and very...I don't know. It felt weird to be there. First off, our group wasn't in the forest. We were in the middle of my fuckin' hall, in some sort of lounge.
Oh, yeah, by the way...roommates: Carmen and Angelica. Room neighbors: Veronica and her three girlfriends. Needless to say, I was very annoyed.
Julio was with us in the morning, because Mynor hadn't arrived. He sent us away for our first meditation. I sat next to a column (in front of my room) and Elsy knelt before me...Hey, are you ok?. The question shocked me. You look very sad, is something wrong?. Yeah, there was something wrong. But I didn't know what it was. Even if I did......So I said that I was just sick, I'd caught a cold. She looked at me, not believing and said: if you need to talk, just tell me. You can count on me. She made my day. I thought that was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for me in this year.
From where I was sitting, I could see the high, thin trees. I could hear the wind blowing through them. And the song Sunshine in my head. I didn't focus on the meditation, at least for all the time I was supposed to. I focused mostly on nature. On those little things I could touch. I found some weird little things, wrapped up in spiderwebs. Priceless.
I'd see the city lying down there. Thinking that I'm in there everyday. I was happy to be out of the world. See it from a different perspective. A perspective that was both realistic and somewhat relaxing. Maybe I was sad because this was going to be the last time I'd had the chance to experience that.
I don't remember much about thursday. Like I said, I focused more on staring at the ground, the dirt, the ants, the roots.
I kept avoiding everybody. I thought everything was very dull though. I liked last year's retire better.
I did think of the guy. I'd miss him at times. Thinking about all the possibilities of what could've happened if he had been there. Since I was wandering all by myself, I went to the garden and stared at the volcano, and the city lying at its feet. I remembered every second I spent with him last year.
At night, I isolated myself like I hadn't done before. I felt kind of sad. I wanted to talk to someone. Everybody had somebody to talk with. I did not. There was no one I'd feel comfortable talking to. I went up to the forest. I wanted to be there. I was pissed off because all of the groups were working there and mine wasn't. All those trees remind me of the Sunshine video. The woods, the wind....I was the girl walking. But I wasn't exactly in Wonderland. I'd go there on every recess. I knew Veronica was with her friends, Carmen was with hers, playing Uno...I lied on the grass, making bubbles. I lied, and my head was against a tree, so I was obviously looking at how damn tall that tree was, looking at the sky. I wished someone would've showed up. I needed company to share that beautiful moment I was living. That beautiful moment became somewhat worthless, because I couldn't share it with anyone. It's like...these two days, individually, were a great experience. Socially, they were a fuckin' disaster.
When group work finished, we were taken to a lounge, next to the forest, to make spiritual exercises. In the middle of the room there was a big candle. although we didn't need light. The sun hadn't set. They made us close our eyes and they asked us questions about our life, about God, about ourselves...by the time we opened them, it was completely dark. We were going to make a will. They always make us think of death in the afternoon. It's very touching.
At night, after dinner, I went up there again. It was dark. And I saw two shadows, lying on the grass, next to each other. They didn't notice me, but I knew who they were...Elsy and Pablo. So I went back down. Whatever they were doing, about to do or done, was none of my bussiness and frankly, I didn't care.
I sat next to the stairs. I didn't have a place to go, I didn't have anyone to be with. I wanted to go to the sightning garden, but everybody was there. At least 95% of the people. And we were about 75 people.
I kept looking around. Someone would look at me from the hall and wave. Others would just ignore me, which was very logical. In fact, I was impressed that someone would turn his head to the dark, let alone see me. I'd hear everybody hanging out, screaming, having a good time at the garden. And I felt I wasn't part of them. And frankly, I didn't want to. They weren't like me. I wasn't like them.
From the other side, from the hall, I started to hear people screaming, too. I remembered...in Veronica's room, there was supposed to be a get-together. Some sort of little party. Girl-talk and such. Every time I'd see her and/or her girlfriends, I'd think that maybe I'm lucky I'm not with her. Nothing against them, they're very sweet and all that...but I'm glad I didn't become their kind. Veronica often speaks like a baby. Sort of ridiculous, excuse me.
Later on, Elsy and Pablo came down and sat next to me. She asked me what was up with me, and I just told her I was expecting to see UFOs. I wanted to go home. Hey, wait...I've got something for you...remember about the necklace...?. She gave me a necklace. A golden necklace. I'd told her that I used to wear a pic of Simeon around my neck, but my chain broke. She'd said she'd give me one. She did. Pablo just stared at the scene and said: huh. I wish I could give you tickets to see Aerosmith. They're both great people.
We were taken to this big room to see a movie, Jerry Maguirre. I sort of liked it. I thought it'd be better, because the beggining caught my attention, and gave me an answer: No, I didn't hate myself. I hated my place in the world.
We couldn't have our bonfire, because it rained. So everybody was...nomadic, carrying pillows and blankets from hall to hall, room to room. Everybody's expectation was to have a party until dawn, after the bonfire. But it couldn't happen. They sent us to bed at 12:30. But for about half hour, I sat in the stairs, with a boy known as Curbelo, who was also in my group. Very wise guy. He told me about how dissapointed he was. He didn't like this prom. He found it meaningless. He said that and other things, that I agreed with.
I went to bed at about 2:00 and I fell asleep at about 2:30, blasting Aerosmith in my walkman. I heard the music on the back of my head.
I didn't change to PJs, I didn't even bother. I was going to sleep just three hours, anyway.
I was hoping something, anything would happen. So far, I wasn't getting anything from the experience. I mean, I was. Our guides told us this was an encounter with God and with ourselves. And all I had found out was negative. All the things I learned were negative aspects of my life. Not even that...they were things I already knew, and they were just being repeated over and over. I shed some tears when I was sitting alone, when I realized that. Tears of anger and disappointment. Because of the place I was in. Because I didn't choose to be there, because no matter how I try to get out of it and try to break the circle (because I'm aware I accepted that place), it depends on everybody else.