Tuesday, 04/23/02 - 6:28 pm.
Ok, let's set this straight.
These days, people've made me feel ambivalent...I'm unnoticed and famous, ignored and loved.
I told Fidel that one of my facts of life was that I'm on a stage, in front of an audience. And the audience ignores me. He laughed.
Couldn't it be that you're the one who's ignoring the audience?
I took it as: "you're in that situation because you want to"...or..."that's just your perspective". I'm 50% sure he didn't mean either.
We don't see things as they are, we see things as *we* are.
He said that we all create our own stage, our own play and our own audience. And he quoted Shakespeare about life and stage, people and performers.
I can't remember how the conversation went on, but at a certain point I mentioned that I was sane, and everybody in the audience was a loser. Strangely, he agreed with me.
I think it was because he also does agree with me on the fact that evolution seems to go backwards on humans' brain.
We'll sure have an interesting conversation on thursday.
Because on thursday, I'm going to skip english class and drink coffee with him. Just like our good ol' times.
Lately, I've been very orgasmic. I listened to F.I.N.E. several times this morning before I left for school, and it made me feel very energetic..."energetic" as in "I just had a night of wild sex". Simeon says it's too much Aerosmith lately. Well, actually......no. It's never enough. I'm just not used to receive such amount of Aerosmith. But I could live with it, thank you very much.
And oh-perfect-timing, the guy called me today, in the bloom of my hormonal rush. I knew he would. He does it every day he sees me at school. He saw me today, and something told me he'd call. And sure enough, the phone rang several times this afternoon, but I just knew when I picked up the phone for maybe the 4th time, that this time it was him. It was a very....funny conversation, to say the least. It's a good thing he doesn't live accross the street, because he could've showed up and I'm sure I'd have lost my virginity this afternoon. I blame it on F.I.N.E.. But hey, we also talked a lot about football soccer.
I had some sort of panic today. During recess, Pablo called my name and started walking beside me. Our conversation wasn't cool and yeah, I was scared about that. I thought that he wanted to be with me, because of what others have said about me. Victor, her girlfriend, Art, Cel...they say I'm "cool"...uh, cole. I guess he wanted to find out if that's true. No, sorry. You've reached the wrong dimension. Try within the next couple of days.
I don't know...I feel I'm the warm little center that the life of this world crowds around. Too self-centered. People keep kissing my ass...I mean, in a good way. I mean they keep me happy with what I am (just for the record, I don't need them to be happy with myself, but that's quite a bonus). Victor said I have a pretty face (I know, I know, Simeon...it won't get me an Oscar). On the other hand...I feel ignored. Unexistent. Alone. F.I.N.E.
My kind of Heaven lies at Hell's back door.
Quite a serious conflict going on here.