Monday, 04/29/02 - 9:57 pm.
My day started out pretty bad. I'd never seen my obese girl cry. It was awful.
It hurts. It hurts so bad. I swear, it hurts me, she said with tears in her eyes.
The guy she was in love with literally dumped her. They weren't going out or anything, but I know she loved him so deeply. She'd talk about him everyday. And there she was, saying how hurt she was. He'd found someone else.
Adriana, the girl who sits in front of me, who's also Veronica's big friend, had a similar problem. Only this time it was a real boyfriend. They'd been dating for three years now. And now...he'd found someone else.
I remembered Aerosmith's Amazing...."I kept the right ones out/and let the wrong ones in". You have the let the bad things come out, and then let the good things come in, I told them. I told them to cry. They were dying to cry. By the end of the morning, they got together and I told each other that they both were going through the same thing. And they were together for the rest of the day.
Victor and I talked about sex throughout the whole day today. Way too much, maybe. No, I wasn't uncomfortable. Penis, vagina...I suppose everybody owns a set. But...I kind of mentioned the guy. Of course I didn't say his name. I just said that I had..."someone" to release my sexual pressure with. He encouraged me to invite him over on wednesday (Labor's day, and my family will be out), since he understood how much I wanted him. I'd thought about it myself. But then I told him that despite I want him, he didn't have feelings for me and I'm also looking for something emotional. And maybe it's not worth it.
Ok...whatever. It'd be too long and hard to explain our conversation. But you get the point.
In the afternoon, I got a call from the guy. And all I can say...he's indifferent. I told him about my family going out (he asked me about it) and he said that it was ok, good for them. I told him I'd bought him a teddy bear for his birthday...
- geez, you shouldn't have.
- don't worry, probably I won't even get to give it to you.
- wha...Oh, yeah...because of what people might think.
- But if you don't care...
But...what the fuck am I doing? Why am I always trying to bring us together? You know the stuff is poison but you gotta have a taste. At noon, after I bought lunch, I was walking on the left side of the hallway. Simeon was walking next to me, scolding me. He was very severe. But I know that what he said it's true.
Everytime I see him at school, specially talking to a girl, he goes: smack some sense into your-fuckin'-self!!!! What am I doing, dammit?
I'm just so fuckin' weak. I always say I'm over him, and all that takes it's a call from him, faking he melts for me to fall into it again.
I cried after we hung up. He's just indifferent. He doesn't give a fuck about me, unless he's horny. I know I say I hate him, but I don't...I really don't hate him, my obese girl had told me this morning. I know exactly how she feels. You feel impotent. You've lost control over yourself to that person. No matter how much you deny it.
Lucky me, MtvLa is already starting to air stuff related to Aerosmith. Today they aired position #9, Livin' on the edge. And Cryin' was on #10. And they showed priceless clips from performances...old performances that only in my wildest dreams I'd seen. And that cheered me up. Aerosmith is always there for me.
But after the show finished, I got back to depression. I was annoyed by my enviroment. By my dad, who's always asking me how to do this or that on the computer...by everything. I wasn't feeling exactly strong. I just wanted to take a bath and crawl into bed. And not wake up.
I cried some more. I prepared my school stuff for tomorrow and realized that once again I was goal-less. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to expect. No one to expect anything from. I cried even more. I'm so fuckin' weak. I keep selling myself out.
Someday they'll crown you king for selling out,
Chew you up to spit you out.
Then I thought that there is a reason to wake up tomorrow...I have to find out which video is on position #8 on the Aerosmith top ten.
After dinner, my mood changed awfully, every five minutes. Listening to Aerosmith just pumps me up. It was a struggle between euphoria and depression. I was laughing as I was washing off the trails of my tears. And I ended up so fuckin' tired of this emotional conflict that now I'm just...blah. Fuck it.
Out of nothing, I made a "mix tape" for myself. Well...an *Aerosmith* mix tape...the whole Rocks album (*the* Aerosmith album) and a mix between old and new, rockin' stuff (like The Farm).
So...yeah, you could say I had a terrible day. You could say I'm having a crappy time.