As it is I'm feeling like my chips are cashed
Wednesday, 05/08/02 - 8:33 pm.

One kid who rides the school bus (goes to 9th grade) asks me: hey, you going to watch the Icons thing? (...)...Everytime I watch the commercials the question "will she (*yours truly*) watch it?" pops in my mind. I almost cried, I was touched. He saw Aerosmith and thought of me *tear in left eye*. I wasn't sure if I'd ever mentioned to him my Aerosmith obssesion, and if I did, it was at least one year ago.

It must be the "I love Aerosmith" tattoo on my forehead.

And to make it short, about a dozen of people asked me today about the show...if I've heard about it, if I'm taping know the drill, and you know my answers, so let's skip this joyous moments of my life. *Simeon opens mouth in a tyleresque way, with excitement*...I know, I can't wait either, Simeon.

Another happy moment, is that I got to have lunch with Betty and my Obese Girl. I didn't let them eat, because everything I said made them laugh. Aaawww, I'm glad. Making people laugh is great. You remember Betty, don't you? My good old friend who used to sit in front of me last year, who became my confident and always talked about searching for our Simeons.

All in all, I love being with all that crowd. My crowd, the people in my classroom, and a big part of the senior high people. We always go: oh, the crowd, for everything. Charlie, the science teacher, asked us why there are tides...because of the crowd was the answer. Blame it on the crowd, congratulate the's all about the crowd. Pereira, Ricardo and I, and some other kids always say: this crowd... and noddle. Because this The crowd gets stuck it's probably the most common phrase in the classroom. No, it doesn't mean anything. It's just that the crowd gets stuck, seriously.

Who exactly are part of the crowd? Most of times, everyone. The crowd gets stuck will most likely include you. It's like generalizing a behavior. The crowd can be even one single person.

Today it's Cel's birthday. We can only congratulate her *Simeon smiles*.

Now...I keep getting back to my dilemma, whether going to the field trip or not. On the second recess, the answer had never been so clear.

No, don't go.

Because as much as I enjoy the behavior of the crowd (because they're amusingly funny and clever), I know I don't fit in. I'll most likely be alone. I don't have a group. I'll have to be all by myself, like I did on the last two recessess: just seeing everybody hanging out with their friends, having a good time. I just remained sat on the floor, next to my classroom doorstep, while everybody was at least 2 dimensions away from me.

On one of those recessess, I saw Veronica and Norman talking. I supposed they cried or were about to. I just supposed. I was sort of pissed off, after realizing I'm surrounded by nice, kind, funny people (most of the seniors are) but something just doesn't connect. Something doesn't click, like Simeon says. There's a wall or an abyss, that doesn't let me...incorporate myself to any of those groups. Ugh, I lost the point...

Anyway, I was upset and I figued Veronica would approach with tears in her eyes, because that's very typical of her: go look for the old, rag doll under the bed when you need someone to get wet with your tears and the pillow is not enough (why do people need pillows to cry and always bring them up, anyway?. yes, I've suffered, go ask my pillow, Carmen has said sometimes). She did approach. And I acted indifferent.

I stared at her. I don't like to stare at people if I don't have the permission to. I felt I was glancing at her in a way I couldn't even explain to myself. Like I was trying to tell her something about her, about me.
- Veronica: Why are you acting so weird lately?
- Me: Noihaven't,
- Veronica: Then I'm the one who's weird...maybe I'm just crazy?
- Me: it'sjustyou. I believed I've said it before, but she just loves to be told she's crazy. Calling for attention, I guess. Not that I blame her, really.

But she's just like Carmen. When she does something outrageos, like mixing bread with coffee and nachos in Julio's office, she just sounds Oh, I'm sooo crazy, can you believe that? I keep silence, thankyouverymuch.

I asked Alan if I should go to the trip. Think about it. Maybe just go and don't get in the water, he said. The best thing about field trips is the food. And you know what? I might go. For myself. With myself. Carmen will be with her group (I'm actually praying for her to keep her ego away from mine), Veronica will ignore me...I know I can't count on my Obese Girl, because she's got a gang....not that I blame her, if I had a gang, I'd be with them, too, duh. I just mean that I've accepted that I'm all by myself.

Fuck you, crowd, I'm bringing Aerosmith along.

Food, a few Aerosmith CDs, and a notebook...that'll get me through.

Today's Aerosmith top ten position: #2: Idontwanttomissathing. How sad. I wonder what'll be on the first position. That song, Jaded and Pink are already out of the countdown, there are no more "commercial" songs that could...oh, shit. Crazy. Dammit. There you have it. I predict that's the first position.

Some people say this song clearly reflected the state of the band in 1977, when they were about to split up (honestly, I'm still scared of that rumour), because they couldn't write something "with substance", ...still, Draw The Line is one of my favorite albums. Because although that song was written in 1977 by a stoned Joe Perry, I can apply what it says to my life, now.

The crisis at hand is I'm all out of zoom.

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