What it's like to feel pain.
Friday, 05/17/02 - 11:03 am.

I'm sure my classmates just arrived to the river.

Me...I'd never been so close to death. Well, actually to what it's like to die.

You see, last night I was in pain. I realized something was indeed wrong with my back. I couldn't walk and I had to lay down.

And I turned pale and cold. God, I was shaking, like when you've got fever and you're sweating cold. I was scared.

And I started to cry. I have a policy about not crying over physical pain. But it was overwhelming. And my mom turned the lights off and closed the door. It was dark, apart from my "glow in the dark" stars stuck to the wall and ceiling.

What if I die? I was afraid I'd broken something in my spine, because everytime I'd move, something would move in my back, in a not pleasant way.

I remembered Judy and I figured she'd have felt the same, before she died. Only she was going to die, because a tree fell on her back and her spine was broken. At first she didn't want to die, but then it was like she...felt calm and let it go.

At that moment I thought that I wouldn't mind dying. Because....shit, I don't know. I wasn't depressed nor sad...I suppose when your time comes that way, when everything seems to be set up for you to go, you just want to let it happen.

I wanted to fall asleep and not feel the pain. But the pain itself didn't let me sleep. Cel called me, I supposed it was to make plans for this morning to see Spiderman but I told her what was going on. Oh, baby, you're crying!. My voice broke in the middle of my talking (I hate that), so she noticed. She gave me some advice (since her mother has problems with her back) and told me that she and Art would try to make their way over here to visit me.

You know what? Her call made me forget about goosebumps and coldness. Her call came right on time. For some strange reason, she's always there when I need someone to be with me and make me feel better.

Since I didn't die last night and I woke up to a very warm, clear day, I might as well survive, despite it still hurts.

I feel like drawing. Before Carlos moved out, he gave me this big piece of cardboard he'd drawn on. It's the silhoutte of a man with wings. I suppose it's not finished, or maybe it's just an effect. I don't know what to draw. I don't have where to draw on (I don't want to on paper, I mean). I drew on my wood wall with chalk and surprisingly my mom didn't say anything.

I used to draw behind the pictures hanging on the wall (in the part of the wall covered by the pictures, that is), because I always dreamed of a house with secret halls and secret messages. But I thought my parental units wouldn't like to have I LOVE AEROSMITH! all over the living room wall. So I wrote it behind pictures, along with incoherent messages like he's the kids' favorite friend!!! (I don't know who, but it sounded nice) and various lame stickers that I'd gotten free! in some snack packages.

It was nice getting off bed for a while but I think I'd better go back. I'll try to get something done. Something, whatever comes up on the way.

Apparently, the favorite thing that drives him wild is when a city girl walks a country mile?? Man, the favorite thing that drives me wild is when I blow her covers and she's hot as a flame.

It's painful to see the band you love in agony.

I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see the basic difference between this pic and this pic?

It makes me feel the pain of my spine as a simple tickle.

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