No, it's not gonna be alright.
Monday, 05/27/02 - 7:26 pm.

This afternoon, I found a rug of mushrooms in the garden. I love that kind of mushrooms. Just thought I'd share.

Well, a any other. Different from the rest. I had an emotional breakdown during math...90 minutes of math, yo, understand me. I started to cry, I was so desperate...and then I started to laugh, laugh at everything and at everybody. I amused Vic, and he just tried to calm me down.

I didn't have classes in the afternoon, but I had to stay to work on some kind of play for tomorrow. We didn't have anything, but in the afternoon, we worked it all out and it's going to be wonderful. Norman's a poet and I'm death.

Wait, I have to call back the guy.

*10 minutes later*

That sucked.

I believe I'd never had so much contact with the guy since june 5th and 6th (damn, that was almost a year ago!). In the morning, we exchanged some words. By accident, someone wound his eyebrow with his own glasses -he told me-. Yes, he did have a wound above his eye. In the afternoon, we talked again for one or two minutes, and he even sat next to me. He asked me what time I'd arrive home. He just called a few minutes ago but he had to hang up and told me to call him back, which I did, and like I said, it all sucked. I don't know...sometimes I wonder if it was really worthy have him come in my life. I love him...but I wonder.

I heard him sing and play guitar. I stayed around the senior-junior hallway after my group and I were done with rehearsal. He was there working on some preoject. A girl asked him to play something and he brough out his guitar. And started to sing. The dude's got some talent, let me tell you.

Oh, yeah. And he cut his hair. Many people had cut his hair. But God, I noticed his the most, of course. I was practically melting.

Gosh, I'm so fuckin' dumb.

I was all by myself during lunch. From 12:30 to 1:30. I sat at a green table from where I could see the Senior hallway. I saw all those people, that I like so much yet I can't seem to be able to make a connection with.

But it was relaxing. I was drinking soda, resting my back on a wall, listening to the wind, staring at the leaves and the gray sky (today's been cloudy the whole day....I feel blessed).

But little by little, I started to feel alone. And since I had Lay It Down in my head, I got even more emotional. Even Fidel has pushed me aside. No, I'm not mad at him, nor at Nayda (she's the one who's always with him). I'm not jealous. I just miss him.

I analized my story as an isolated being, and I came to the conclusion that this situation has become worse throughout the years.

Oh, joy.

While I was laying down (and singing that song to myself, about to cry), Vic, Art, Patch and James were coming out of the hall and they all raised their arms and waved or stuck up their thumbs at me...I heard a mixing of greets: Hey, yo, Tyler!!! (Vic), the croooowd!!! (James...he's pretty much who started the "the crowd gets stuck" culture). And I smiled. They saved me from crying.

Then I saw Shaq'a. He grinned and waved as he was walking rapidly. I love that. I love the fact that no matter if people are in a rush, they make time to look at me and smile frankly. Not faking it, not saying "hi" with a serious gesture....he gave me a deep smile, and I couldn't help but feeling happy. I'd never understood so well that thing about giving and receiving smilles.

I've reached the highest (or lowest) point on isolation and loneliness, EVER. No, of course I'm not happy with it......not entirely.

We're talking tenderness that's so hard to find.

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