Wednesday, 05/29/02 - 9:53 pm.
For the first time in 330 days, I was given the chance. And I blew it. I fuckin' blew it.
Let me tell you, my day started out pretty bad. I dreamed of him, and I cried. It was a beautiful dream about him and me. I silently cried during science period. I was thinking so much of him and my dream of him, and how far that was from reality.
Like I said yesterday, the Musical Performance Contest was today. And yes, I was scared to see him and feel.....*that* feeling. I saw him talking to the girl he was in love with last year, early in the morning and I figured her and some of her friends would sing and have him playing the guitar.
At around 10:45 a.m., high school students headed over the auditorium. He was the first one to perform. I was quite surprised when I saw him walk onstage, all by himself, carrying an acoustic guitar. I thought I was going to break down. He made an introduction but I didn't understand what he said. Something about dedicating it to someone (Be creative and guess what I wished). Since I didn't understand the introduction, I had all kinds of opinions on the song: about a girl, about him doomed to repeat the past (the song mentioned "hallways" and future without present, and present without past...).
Life went on, you know? And to make it short, throughout the whole day, I saw that behavior among males that cracks me up like you have no idea. This afternoon, with Norm, we counted...and it turns out only two boys from our classroom do not act gay (without having in mind the other three classrooms). Today Ricardo and his group presented a play for a philososphy assignment, about J.P. Sartre, and Victor and him dressed up as women, and talked so, so, so, soooooooooo gay....Gosh, you wouldn't believe it. Even Hector (besides being the Senior High principal, he's the phylosophy teacher) laughed so hard. They're just so...natural at that.
But getting back to the guy. The voices in my head told me, while riding the bus.....well, to sum it all up, it was a note-to-myself. Little things click, but if you focus on the big picture, it just doesn't work.
I practically did nothing on the afternoon. After classes, I was supposed to study math, but only did two or three exercises with Norm. Then we just sat in the hallway, where it just so happened the guy and his group were working on a science project.
Eventually, everybody I was with left. Hell, why the fuck not?....I sat next to him on the floor, and watched him work. And we started talking, and joking...it was great. I even got to meet his best friend from junior high. Everything was very funny. Shit, you are so good at making fun of me, he said.
When I told him it was time for me to go I realized...he was getting up with me....he was going to walk me upstairs! So we took the left hallway, and he asked why was I taking that one when the right hallway was a shorter way. We had a little argue over which way to go, and ended up going his (which for me is a longer way). It must've been looked funny, we both were moving our arms in the air, like making circles, and arguing over senseless stuff.
So we arrived to the parking lot. A couple of girls were there, and we stayed with them. At a certain point, they went away. It was just the both of us. Let's go have a close encounter...., he whispered. And I said....
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?, I still ask. I blew it, I screwed up, I messed up, I fucked up, whatever you wanna call it. I'd never been given the opportunity, and I doubt I'll ever be again. I mean, it was just one of those little things that click. It all worked itself so well...we were alone. My parents were late....nothing was stopping us. But hey, I had to come in and refuse.
When he asked that, I just said no. He even asked "why not?" and I couldn't think of a better answer that "'cause...no". Thank you, common sense. Always spoiling the little fun I can have.
He went back downstairs to finish his project. Since my parents hand't showed up, I kind of followed him and stayed with him and his group for some more time.
I could feel regret swallowing me whole. No, I didn't want to have sex with him. I just wanted to feel him close to me, not necessarily on top (or wherever else) of me. I just needed (need) him around.
After my parental units picked me up, we went to the mall, because I had to get a shirt for my prom picture (I had one picked out already but the stupid rules are: with neck, with sleeves. Damn, mine doesn't have sleeves...it's almost exactly like the one Steven Tyler wears on the Sunshine video). I tried to hold my tears in. You wouldn't believe how regretful I was.
You know I hate regret. It's probably the feeling I hate the most.
I hadn't feel this regretful since...the first time I felt regretful about the same thing: letting him go. Saying no when I'm positive I want to say yes. Blah, blah, blah...I arrived home. And cried. Boy, how did I cry. Like I hadn't cried since...the first time I met him. And that was about 330 days ago.
Have I mentioned it? after I arrived home, after I'd met him, I cried. At that moment I didn't know why I was crying. Little did I know love had hit me so hard and so deeply. It's until now, about one year after the incident, that I know for sure it's more than a crush. My crushes last 48 hours, the most. But this one...this one is different. This time I'm in love. Like I've never been before (duh, I'd never been before, actually).
I cursed everything. I even thought of telling him I love him...something's wrong, I must be really desperate, because I swore I'd never tell him. But I'm keeping my promise, I promise. Basically.....I cried because it's all unfair.
I put on some Aerosmith, tried on my new outfit, had dinner...I tried to keep myself busy. Right, self? *self agrees*.
And...then he calls.
We talked about why I refused (thank God he called, after talking to him I don't feel regretful anymore). We talked about other stuff. I asked him about the song, and he said it was for his grandfather, who died last year (isn't that precious?). He wanted to "do it", and frankly, I wanted to, too. But ugh, not on the phone. Long story short.....we hung up and I...took a deep breath, and caught my heart in the air, that had just jumped out my body. It was not because of his package, nor his hormones. It was because of him. Because of (like some of the famous phylosophists would say) him..."in essence".