A day under the rain.
Thursday, 05/30/02 - 8:04 pm.

Everything I'll say, has happened under a rainy wheather, so no matter how sad some things sound, be sure that at that moment I was at least 20% happy. It's been raining the whole day. Not pouring, just fine raindrops. Beautiful. And the sky...who knew all those shades of gray existed.

It was a happy morning, a nice afternoon and a frustrating evening.

I skipped english class. I went with Fidel to have a cup of coffee. Yes, just like the old times, only him and me. Only this time, we had to stay in his office, because it was raining. I waited for him (while he went to bring the coffee) outside the office, seeing the sight of my school. Not a soul around, everybody having classes. Raining. Then he arrived, and he told me when he was a college student, he'd skip classes, too, to go see the sunset, or get soaking wet under the rain, or feel the november breeze. One day a girl asked him what was so great that made him skip classes. He took her with him...but she just didn't get it. Yes, it's afternoon, so what?. I said to Fidel that most likely, she wasn't/isn't a happy person. She'd rather stay in the classroom than to feel nature (...) I realized I have one life only. And I still think I'd have missed that sunset, with no second chance of seeing it again.

The rang bell, and it was time for the second recess. I was happy. Incredibly happy. So happy. No matter what (math, the guy...), I was feeling happy. I was alone, but happy. Enjoying every second, even if it was just with myself.

At a certain moment, my obese girl and Sophie called me from the opposite hallway...HEY, CAN WE TALK TO YOU?, they shouted. We need to talk to you seriously... obese girl said, very serious.

I wasn't ready for the topic: Veronica. They asked me questions about my relationship with her, and I told them pieces of it...had I talked some more and I'd have cried. Sophie told me....that she's going through the same thing. And I thought she was going to break down and cry. She told me...shit, what I'd lived. Everything she said, every word, every moment...I knew what it was. And I wanted to cry. It's just so horrible...so horrible.... She's being pushed away by Veronica, the same way I've been. We share everything: every moment, every thought, every opinion, every feeling....every tear.

Sophie cried after recess, during Social Studies. She sent me a paper thanking me for understanding her (how couldn't I?) and wondering why Veronica did such thing to me, because you're just such a nice person...I.L.U..

I think I'm traumatized for the rest of my life, she said with tears, half joking, half serious. That's exactly what I've always said. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one...no, wait....I'm not. I really don't wish that to anybody, let alone to a girl like Sophie...she's a doll.

I told Victor how frustrated I was about saying no. Oh, baby.... - was the only thing he could tell me - Tomorrow, jump on him and kiss him, and eat him...!. I can't. I've run out of opportunities.

We watched this movie on psychology class called Bliss. About a married couple. The wife had been raped by her father and she was just...nuts, she was psycho. She had a trauma, and she was trying to run away from her husband. The movie was very explicit, like a porn movie. Masturbation, nudity, sex....blah, big deal. It was very informative, actually. How to stick your fingers up the vagina, how to make love to her, how to reach the nine levels of an orgasm....it was actually a good movie about communication and love between spouses. Like Geovani said: it could happen to everybody. Yes, it could. Faking orgasms and shutting up.

Pereira laid next to me (we all laid down on the floor to watch it) and during the whole movie we kept laughing our asses off over stupid things. bwah, she became a vegetable (I said that when the girl, after reaching an orgasm had some attack and choked and was taken to the hospital)...such things. Always beggining with whoa. No, not whooooaaaa.., just whoa. Because that's part of the The Crowd... "culture". We say whoa when someone is embarrased by someone else.

The funniest thing is that on a certain scene, this woman was trying to kill a fly she'd named Freddie (I'm telling you, she was nuts). Pereiar and I had the name of Freddie popping out here and there, quite often. She was laughing on the phone and Pereira goes whoa, she's talking to Freddie.

Shit, things aren't as funny when you tell them to third parties. You just had to be there.

Since it was raining, my basketball game was put off. I tried to study math with some people. It was terrible. It's so much to study, so hard...that's it, I'm going to fail the exam tomorrow.

Before I left school, at about 6 o'clock, I went to see the guy working on his project in the hallway. When I was leaving, he started walking next to me, but then he just stopped and walked in a classroom where some people were, after waving to me and saying good-bye. He either chickened out (because the hallways were packed with juniors finishing projects and seniors studying math) or...whatever. The truth is, I had to walk myself. Needless to say, I was very frustrated.

Whoa, jackass.

No, no...not like a cry. Like you're going to throw up: whoa. It's a great sound. It's for every occassion.

I have three important feelings: I'm worried about math, I love the guy, I'm frustrated because he didn't walk me (*quotation marks in the air with fingers* and such), I want to talk about my past with Veronica, I want to talk to Sophie....ok, I can't even count. I'm lame.

Which reminds me of a funny thing that happened yesterday when I was with the guy and his group. His best friend, Julio, asked the group working next to them for a few wood sticks. Just get three, ok?, the girl said. He got a handful of sticks and went I can't count, so I got four. Two seconds later, the guy goes with a sarcastic smile: You dumb kid.... It was funny. They make a funny couple.

I have to study math. It sucks when you have so many things to think about, and you're doomed to study for a test you know you inevitably will fail.

I feel kind of bad.

You remember the times
Talkin' in your sleep
With a pocketful of problems you never could keep
From your best friend's lover
You dreamt about a baby
When you're pullin' under covers
the voices in your head sayin'
If you want it bad
don't ever let it slip away...

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