Saturday, 06/01/02 - 3:09 pm.
For the third night in a row, I dreamed of The Guy. This time, it was a terrible dream. He went to a small town out in the country, and he disappeared and was nowhere to be found. The story even made it to the newspapers. Everybody at school was very worried about him (I was in panic). The police was suspecting he was swallowed by a landslide that ocurred around the place he'd been seen for the last time....it was terrible (do I hear someone giggling?). I woke up and I wanted to call him. Those dreams are very stupid.
But somehow, that dream is slowly coming true. He will be is disappearing from my life, little by little.
For the time being, I've just been told he called me in the morning. I'm going to call him back. Aaawww, he called me. Right, big deal.
I went to school to take a math class this morning, but I guess there's nothing exciting to say about it. Veronica sat behind me, but we just waved at each other. I didn't even turned my head to her. For general culture: it was a sunny morning, but now it's cloudy again. I find that kind of blissful.
During the morning, I felt my heart broken. Because of Veronica, and because of Carmen. Because of the past and maybe because of the present. I'm hurt. I live hurt. And maybe I was hurt because of other shit, but they both were the main cause. I felt so alone. To make it all worse, I was alone, physically.
You'll see, I am happy person but I do happen to own a broken heart, held together with masking tape and lame excuses.
Masking tape rocks.
After the math class finished, at about 11:00 am, I went to the green tables and just sat there, for about an hour, until my dad picked me up. It was one of those days when I'm not entirely happy about being alone. And I wanted to go. Just go away. But at the same time, I didn't (I don't). I've spent 11 years of my life in that school, and suddenly it's all finishing. And within two or three years, I may not even remember half of my classmates, despite how special most of them are now. It's like erasing that tape you love to listen to, and taping something else all over it again. I'm going to start a new life (because that's the curse of life), and have the present, my now, just as a bunch of blurry images. And that's truly sad. When it's over, it's like a lot of what you've lived is flushed down the toilet.
Maybe if I had a slight idea of where I'm going after school, I'd be more excited, I'd wish more for this year to finish and leave all that good people that I can't connect with, that pushes me away unconsciously and I push back consciously. I get along with most groups, but not *that* well. I'm always alone, and at a certain point, I do get tired of it. Thank God I still haven't gotten sick of myself.
Jesus Christ, it's june already!!! I've always wondered if there's a way to grab the time and make it stop, or at least make it go more slowly.
According to the Simeonistic Philosophy, both happiness and sadness are like asymptotes of the cosecant function.
Yes, that's what I'm currently "learning" (or pretending to learn) in math. This is part of what I'm about to study in a couple of minutes for the monday exam...sucks to be me, right? I hate figuring out, drawing, and-everything-in-between, trig function graphs. I don't have logic...not for the real world, anyway.
