Sunday, 06/09/02 - 6:44 pm.
As you know, sundays are probably the most boring 1/7 of the week. Sundays annoy me. I can't turn it into a second saturday. But there are some things I do like: waking up at 7:30, listening to the small sounds of the morning, noticing Frog is warming up my feet. Although now that's going to be an activity that'll happen on saturdays as well, again. Because:
Notice:
Due to your behavior, saturday morning math classes are called off.
THANK YOU, GOD!!! I won't have to wake up early on saturdays. You know, those classes were optional, but you also know I suck at math, and I'd have felt a tremendous guilt if I didn't show up. But thanks to my classmates and their lack of common sense, I've been blessed with being dragged to math hell with no regret and a clean conscience.
The Guy called me and I said no, no, no. I can't do this anymore. I asked him if he had found another girl to be my replacement. Why are you saying that?. Those things are bound to happen, I answered, because everybody does that. I mentioned stoicism, and I let him know that I didn't care if I died, because I've reached the ultimate goal of the human being (I haven't). He tried to start a "fantasy", and I kind of played along, but I'm already tired of being something useful to everybody. No, forget it. I can't do this anymore. He kept asking why. I sort of told him something vague, without a true explanation.
I have the feeling I might have sounded as if I had self-pity. But then again, all that Veronica has left in me is a feeling of guilt everytime I say something bad is happening to me. No, I can't tell that person that I'm sad and that I feel terrible, because that person will think I'm victimizing myself.
I really don't know what's the impression I gave him. What's happening to you?, he asked me. It just so happens I've changed. I've changed a lot these days, in some sort of way.
- Me: listen, I won't do it. I don't want to fake.
- The Guy: you won't. I'll make you do it, ok? I'll help you out...
- Me: I don't want you to fake either.
He's faked it many times. But I guess he doesn't know I've always faked it.
So he gave up. The last question he asked me was if I was bringing the idioms list along tomorrow for him. Sure thing, baby, it's on my backpack already. Thank you, he said sweetly. And in words of Art's gang: Goodbah.
I decided I should print out the better quality copy for him. I did already. And it's not because I love him. I mean, I do love him, but not the way I used to one year, one week ago. I've grown out of it. For good. And if I haven't, I'll make myself do it.
When things don't work well, you simply throw them away and get new ones. I hurt myself when I said the replacement things and I silently brought tears to my eyes, remembering how many times I've felt replaced. And now I have to be replaced again. That's why I think he must've taken it as self-pity. But I said that because I wish him the world, and I know he was very horny this time around, and he needed someone to do it with, even if it was on the phone. He deserves someone. And I'm not like him. He's not right for me, I'm not right for him. For him, I'm just a mere object with feelings, like your favorite doll when you are a kid. And then you grow up and move on.
At least now I'm damn glad I said no. Better late than never, I guess.
He's got more important things in his life to take care of, and more important people in his life to discuss them with. He does not need me.
You know what'd suck? If I was a grosshopper and Frog ate me. She's been eating grasshoppers, because lately we've had some come into the house (must be the season). Just imagine yourself agonizing in a dog's set of teeth...I feel sorry for the dudes. I hear their stiff shell crunch in Frog's mouth. Ugh, she's a pig. Huh. Fun.
So tomorrow is monday. I know I'm gonna be depressed as soon as I see her, as soon as I notice her ignoring me. And tomorrow I'm giving the Idioms list to the guy. Five days ago, I would've been thrilled with the idea. But now it's just another item on my "geez, I have to do that" list. It's funny how you wait for things and just when you're about to get them, you lose interest. Ironic, indeed. But that's life when you're dead.
I don't want to see her. She makes me feel bad. And so far, I don't have anyone to make me feel good. I mean, I do have friends. A few, but very good friends, that are there for me, and I know I can walk up to and tell them how I feel. But I haven't found the total opposite to Veronica, which it seems to be what I need.
In accordance to the prophecy, this all would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already.
But since I do have some integrity, I'm not fuckin' eating dust. I'll get a handful of it for when I get myself off the ground.
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