Say hello to a future psychologist (me, dammit).

Yes, My life is set up. It's kind of like this: I don't have the support I need to study animation. And not because my family is refusing to give it to me, it's just that they don't see it as a very viable option. Being realistic, I don't have the skills. When you first enter an animation site, you're told you need to know how to draw. That's pretty logic. But I can't draw. And I don't have the time to learn right now, and then it's going to be too late.

And then comes the "home" issue. Animation is mostly taught in California. I know no one in California, and it's plain stupid to think I'll arrive one day and I'll set myself up and I'll start studying and I'll get to pay $325 for the materials for the first semester only and the rest of my needs. My parents would have to pay me everything, because it just so happens I'm a bit useless and I wouldn't know what kind of job to get. Even if I did, I'd need a good job, because working at McDonald's wouldn't allow me to even pay rent.

Which brings us to the money issue: do you know how expensive is to travel to a foreign country? Then add the money you need for the legal paperwork, the visa, your own needs.

After all this, here comes the "you're fucking crazy" factor, courtesy of your family. Mom didn't say anything, dad said that he will let me study what I want, but it'd be advisable to study at the UCA, because it's the only good university in this mediocre country. But the UCA is mostly human-career oriented, like psychology and such.

Carlos, my brother, didn't say anything concrete, he only says that I'd better choose by myself before they make me choose. Nancy, my sister, doesn't even know anything, Alan, my other brother, laughed at the idea and told me that no way in hell I could do it (not because I wasn't capable, but because of all of the stated above)...too risky, with too little to win (if anything). Renan, my eldest brother...we talked last night on the phone and he dissed my ideas, trying to make me see reality: I'm going to regret it when I'm older, I need something that can make me earn a living (money), it wouldn't be unfair for my parents to pay for everything I need, I shouldn't be having those kind of fantasies, animation is not a very helpful profession for the world (ouch...selfish bitch), that then it's my decision and he knows that people my age doesn't listen...I got pissed off at him. If I wasn't listening and if I wasn't aware, I wouldn't have changed my mind and cried my eyes out because of it.

So there...2/3 of the reasons why I won't study animation.

After we hung up, I locked myself in my room. And cried. And had to cover my mouth with my hands, because it's that kind of crying that makes you do heartbreaking sobbing. The voices in my head were louder...like when something tells you something you already know and don't want it rubbed in your face again....I know, I know....I KNOW, SHUT UP!!!.

And then I thought of psychology. My mom's a psychologist. Carlos is a psychologist. I'll study psychology at the UCA. I'd thought about that option before, last year...it's just that I'd thought about animation (being a cartoonist, actually) since 8th grade....when I noticed that I'd been drawing Simeon et al for 5 years by that time. An average of 10 books a year, and other stuff in loose papers. But psychology...is my most pragmatic option.

I turned my head to the huge box that contains every cartoon book and comic strip I've made since 5th grade (except for three notebooks about "something", that I destroyed). I stared at it, and I cried. And I apologized to Simeon, over and over again. I know how bad he wanted to be known and loved by millions, either as a comic strip or a TV cartoon. I know how much he and the gang wanted to make people laugh. I know how much they wanted to be brought to real life. I know, because I wanted the same for them.

I thought of psychology after crying for about an hour. And during the next five minutes my life was fixed.

If I'm happy? I don't care. I'm very indifferent about psychology, and it hurts me having to sacrifice animation, but seriously, let's get real....I wouldn't make it on that field. If you want it so bad, you can't let it get away...oh, I can. I surely can. I live in an underdeveloped country, 9/10 of the dreams are flushed down the toilet in the most heartbreaking way. Why don't I travel to a place with better opportunities? Sure. When I have money. And that's when I've gotten paid and I've saved enough after I've gotten a job, after I've graduated from the university and have enough skills to get one. See? it's all set up.

Still, I have a second option...I can still commit suicide in december. What? you thought I was joking, just because then I changed subject?

So because of this, I've been a little...ok...WAAAAAYYYY depressed. Now I know exactly how my Obese Girl feels (she wants to study graphic design, but no one, no one in her family supports her, neither economically nor spiritually -the second one is what makes her cry-). I wasn't even that affected by seeing Veronica today.

I gave The Guy some papers. It wasn't a big deal, I went to his classroom before classes started, gave the papers to him, he said thank you (like "you saved my life") and I told him to keep it as a secret, because I don't want to see that paper (english idioms) in every lame junior high student's teeny-bopper hands. No big deal.

The usual soccer match, that was lovely and funny, as usual.

A small drama in the last recess, when Ricardo and others kids found a little bird. There's a nest in one of the hanging plants in the hallway, and everybody thought the bird had fell off of it. I tried to let them notice that it was a different kind of bird and the mother bird wouldn't accept it because a)the bird wasn't hers, b)it had already been touched by humans. The Guy arrived to the scene and along with Ricardo tried to get it out of the nest (someone had already put him in there and had been picked on by the mother). The little bird flew (kind of) and they ran to catch it (no, it actually didn't look funny). Then took it to the biology lab, because this guy (well, old man), Jovel, a biologist (or something like that), would know what to do with him. When they were there, Sophie, Obese and I saw the mother of the bird, looking desperately for him. When Jovel arrived, we pointed out she was there. And that's all I can say, because then I had to go to class.

If you want to hear something positive, I passed science and math. It's a miracle. I passed it as mediocrely as anyone could, and I'm disappointed on myself. But I passed them. Now I need to improve those grades, because the UCA wants "the best of the best", and if I want a scholarship, I'll need 8+ as average.

You see, blissful shit like this one, never lasts. I want to die, but for all the opposite. Not only I feel fucked up by people, but also by myself. I blame it on the system, and this whole capitalist crap. Yeah, ok...it's my fault. Glad to hear it.

I have exams this week. I have to study to pass them and graduate and then go to the university to study and become someone useful to society.

Yeah, whatever.

Life cheated on me.

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