Thursday, 02/24/05 - 9:05 pm.
I hate to call you to give you bad news, Joseph began. And it was bad news: he didn't make it. He didn't get in. He's not going to college, not this semester. He was feeling bad about it, which made him half depressed...he was half happy, because of other things that'd happened to him that day. So he was on a strange mode.
Honestly, it was a let down. I'm not dissapointed in him, it's just that I didn't expect he'd be rejected. I was making plans already, how we were going to manage to see each other between classes and such.
I think I'm going to quit my job, too. It's a drag, and there's no point in having it, I had it so that I could afford college. God. I hope he doesn't. I told him he could do whatever made him happy but...no. Of course there's the good side of things being just like last semester: I'll get to see him whenever I want. But that doesn't make things any better.
My parents wouldn't be too thrilled to hear that I'm going out with a guy who doesn't have a job AND doesn't study. I've always maintained he had a job, and I guess I'll have to keep lying. And now I also need to come up with an explanation as to why he isn't studying yet, although on that I may tell the truth, risking the already very limitated opinion they have on him. Joseph did miss his final, anyway, because he was working (irony, he was working so he could go to college) and wasn't allowed to leave earlier that day. Had he taken the final, he'd probably be in.
He asked me what was my impression about his whereabouts last semester. And I had to be honest: I felt you were going nowhere. Not studying, not working...I guess that was good if you live just for the day, but I just didn't see you taking any real direction in life.
And that was it for the time being. Of course I want to see him everyday like last semester, I love to have him all to myself. But I also hate to see him just...floating around. How long can you make a living like that? I consider it pointless.
Later at night, I talked to Joe. He told me he was gay. I don't exactly believe him, but I want to. I want that to be true. He signed off and then *apparently* came back online. I started to talk to him again, and he didn't seem to remember what we'd talked minutes before. I indirectly asked him, something like what did that person said when you told him what you were. He didn't seem to understand.
I kept saying something about his goals of going to bed before midnight. Because it was past midnight.
- Me: you have to learn to keep your goals. Because when you're overweight, New Year Resolutions are a matter of life and death.
- Him I had a goal with you, but I didn't accomplish it.
I was shocked by that, but only typed that shouldn't stop you, mister. At some point he said "yeah, motherfucker", and then went I'm sorry, that was my cousin! Sorry!!!. I said she was cute and I was flattered, and ended up making a statement along the lines of "you should handle cousins like you handle gremlins". Then he went offline.
It ocurred to me that I'd been talking to his sister. He warns me sometimes, I'll be back later, if I start saying idiotic things, it's my sister. It's a good thing I didn't give in to her "tell me what that means!". I can picture it, I'd say "about you being gay", and she'd run to her parents and I'd ruin Joe's queer life. But see, I've learned to say NO. Tell me!, she insisted; no, little one, was my reply. But not because I'd figured out that wasn't Joe. It was because I thought I was being too nosy and I regretted bringing the subject back up.
Today I drew mustaches and beards on swimsuit models. They looked like hot transexuals.
prev / next