Friday, 02/25/05 - 9:48 pm.
My days are completely wasted. I'm not sure how is it that time goes away without me doing a damn thing. I sleep, for the most part. I feel pathetic, but not quite miserable. I think "hey, in two weeks the semester begins, and I'll be overwhelmingly busy again". So I just let the days go by, as I procrastinate.
I asked my mom if she could drop me off at Joseph's house before her and my dad's radio show, but she said no. Surprisingly, not because she's being puritan, but because she's being practical. On the surface. By all the alternate choices she's given me, it's clear she doesn't want me to go to his house. I wanted to tell her you're just scared I'll have sex with him, but sadly, I could never dare.
She says she doesn't believe it'd be polite to go to his house at 8 am, because it's the time when people are having breakfast and preparing for work. I can't tell her "his parents couldn't care less" because she wouldn't believe me, and it'd sound like they can't be trusted...as in "if they don't care, you guys could have sex and they wouldn't say a thing"...which is wrong. They'd say, way to go, son. Now we know you're not gay.
And she finished saying we can see each other over the weekend, or go have lunch on monday like I did two weeks ago. So there goes my nice surprise for his birthday. There was some part of me that told me not to be too confident about getting a yes. But honestly, I was. For a moment (or a couple of days) I forgot I was dealing with my parents.
I guess I'll tell him what I originally planned and think of something less thoughtful to do on his birthday. He'll probably say something about me being an overprotected 12-year-old. I can't do a lot about that, I still live under their conservative roof, eat their food, use their electricity and internet, drink their water and spend their money on my education. I'd get a job if I felt capable of pulling it off along with college, and if I had my own car. But none is happening. I realized -relatively- not too long ago that I've never had a chance to be on my own, except for the small glimpses in Houston.
And just now all that's getting to me. So I scratch what I said above. I AM feeling miserable. I should be independent, but, on the other hand, I was never given the chance to be, and I don't feel ready exactly because I was raised to be dependent. Look at all my basic needs being covered by my parents while getting little extra luxuries.
I do have a relief: I told my mom, not my dad. My dad would've given me this long-ass lecture, with the frown and the tone the world fears. I hate it that when he talks, he goes in circles and repeats the same things over and over. At least my mom goes straight to the point.
And a secondary relief: I was a little scared of getting carried away in Joseph's bedroom. Angel seemed quite concerned, I guess this whole idea sounded like I'm going to give him my body as a birthday gift and such, but that wasn't it at all. However, I did have this little thing in my chest, a doubt whether we'd be able to just be talking and cuddling for an hour, alone in his bedroom. It's highly naive, I know. But knowing me, I'd have pulled it off. However, I did have this little thing in my chest...well, it goes on and on.
Regardless, I'm feeling screwed.
This subject is depressing me. Switch, please.
I forgot to mention that yesterday was my niece's 11th birthday. Ack, she got a cell phone. I hate to think she's going to be an american teenager. The type that can't be told anything by anyone (check), especially by her parents, and twists the meanings and puts words in their mouth (check). Horrible, it makes me sick.
Wait, this subject isn't working, either.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GEORGE HARRISON!!! I hate that I discovered what a wonderful solo artist he was just months after his death. I hate that he's dead. Although I love George Harrison and his music is one of my favorite company anytime, anywhere, I'm hating this subject, too, for I wish he was still alive.
I'm stuck in my story (the one I plan on submitting to the writing contest next month). I think it ended and I didn't even realize it. That sucks. I try to remember, it's just the first draft. But at 14 pages, I'm getting desperate, I can't seem to go on. And I believe I'll have to change the set-up (it was an alley of just 6 thin houses in a row, in front of the back -if it makes sense- of a factory, isn't that a little odd/unrealistic?).
Let me find a good thing to write about...
Alright. George Harrison was born today. That's grand, no matter what. I love him. His music makes me feel nice all over. I was thinking of getting back to his layout, but I chose this starry one, since I've never used it before (I love scrolling text areas and white text/black background. Phsh).
Oh, yes. I have something nice to end this entry with: I've been reading Men's Health (my brother gets every issue). My honest opinion? Best. Magazine. Ever. BEST MAGAZINE EVER, I TELL YOU!
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