Monday, 03/07/05 - 9:49 pm.
Most of my day was equally depressing, as it was yesterday. I wanted to GO OUT, to do something. I couldn't take a bath until 11 am, because the walls were being painted. That had me a bit more fucked up. I always need a shower to start the day properly. But by noon I ended up taking Frog for a walk, and giving her a bath. That actually improved my mood.
A few people cheered me up, too. Angel, Christine and my friend Vic (not Victor). I only started to feel better because there's people I care for enough to keep them happy. And if me being happy makes them happy, all right.
I talked to Joe last night, too, but he wasn't of any help. He actually made it worse. We didn't talk much, but he did manage to tell me that on saturday he got drunk. It shocked me, because if you saw him...well, he's just a kid. He's not the type of person that goes out and gets drunk. But he said it was because a cousin had come from abroad and she wanted to go out and bla, bla, bla.
I found him online this afternoon and we talked a lot. Perhaps way too much. He ended up inviting me to the movies. He thought I was playing the victim, but he still invited me to the movies. Don't you go to the movies with your boyfriend?, he asked. I replied, he says we wouldn't see it. That's what he's said. I've actually tried to drag Joseph a couple of times, but he never seems so keen on the idea.
Him asking me to go to the movies on wednesday has me very nervous. I can't go, of course. I would go, if Joseph and I went out often, but we do not. So it's just not fair.
In no way his invitation is a clear sign that he doesn't like me, but I, in my lameness, figure, well, if he's inviting me and knows I have a boyfriend, he's sure that nothing could ever happen between us, ergo, he doesn't like me. And I think, it'd be so wonderful if I had no feelings for him (not this kind, anyway) and we could be good friends.
Because honestly, he's so cool. He patiently explained to me all these Marx theories he studied last semester. What else, what else?!. I don't remember a thing he said, but it was quite interesting.
He said something like it's pretty that you like to take care of people. He shouldn't have. That got me very nervous, and I said a lot of stupid things during the conversation. A LOT.
Like, a lot.
When I was browsing through my books, I found one that bought but never read: little women. It was a nice surprise, I did not remember I had it. So I've been hooked on it all day. No, really, hooked.
I wish Joseph called. I did not like the tone of his voice last night, when he said he was tired. I know I must never suppose anything, but I got the feeling something was wrong. He's not the type of guy who goes to bed at 9 o'clock.
No, wait...I talked to Cel. She said she was sorry for not saying goodbye to me and all. I still love you, anyway, I said, after saying "damn you!" in caps. Yes, I do. She's coming in may to visit. That made me happy.
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