I'm assuming because I have no other choice.
Wednesday, 03/09/05 - 10:56 pm.

I'm too worried to sleep properly. I fell asleep at 2 am, and woke up at 5:30, after having a nightmare of hostages that were burned alive (I'm sure that comes from the story of the Chicago workwomen, 8th of march and all). I was a hostage, but I ran away. So did Joe, but why the hell was he in my dream, anyway?

Joseph has me like this. I wonder and wonder what's going on, why he hasn't called, why he doesn't return my calls. Angel reminded me that I must not suppose anything, but we ended up talking like Joseph was indeed pulling that "come to my house or we won't talk" thing on me again.

Angel's right, of course: Joseph would be in all his right to ask me that. So what are you going to do about it?. I hate that question, and I wish that instead of answering with excuses I dared to take the car. So do it, it's what Angel AND Joseph would say. But I say to myself "I can't do that right now". Why?. I'm scared. Too scared.

That could go on. But it isn't necessary for it to go on to make me realize I've disappointed Joseph. Angel says he's been very patient with me with this whole "I can't go out" thing. He's right on that one, too. And I'm just waiting for my brother to leave the house (though I wish he didn't have to) so I can finally have the car. Because as long as he's here, he always needs it. He's always going somewhere (namely "his house", preparing to move back in with his girl).

I've stuck to the reason said above (I have to go look for him). I'm really stuck with that idea, and for me there's no other reason why he's disappeared. I remember that, when we were getting to know each other, he told me that he was like that. "I disappear overnight once in a while. My friends know that, so you'll never see them worried about me". Part of wants to say "but I'm your girlfriend!!! You should've at least warned me!!!". Because, you know, I obviously care and worry about him.

I called him tonight and he wasn't home. I don't think he'll get the message, either. He always told me how bad they're at giving messages in his house, and even sometimes days go by without him seeing anybody else who lives there.

I just don't know what to think. I'm worried, I'm scared. Maybe I should stop trying to talk to him, I've been trying every single night since we last spoke, a week ago, and he said "I'm just tired". I should stop, it's clear he doesn't want to talk to me...or does he? I'm afraid of stopping the calls, also, because...well, that's pretty much our only link, 90% of the time. And see, that shows how pathetic I am as a girlfriend, and here I am again, wishing he broke up with me.

Since I didn't sleep for long and well, I've been sleepy most of the day. But I can't take naps. I can't close my eyes for more than a minute, thinking about Joseph. What if I did or didn't do something, or he thinks I did or didn't, or...I don't know. I don't know. I know I must never suppose anything, but that's just the only thing I have left. I know nothing, and supposing is my only way to TRY TO figure out all this, even though I'm pretty sure I'll fail, until Joseph comes to tell me what the fuck is really going on.

Before I burst in tears, let me say that Joe and I talked last night. Maybe it's this whole thing with Joseph, or just things running their natural course, but I felt very comfortable with him as a friend. Obviously, we didn't go to the movies today, but I was so ashamed for turning his invitation down that I said "when be cool hits the theaters" (Steven Tyler is in it...like, ohmygosh). Now you'll have me every morning, nervously looking at the movies section in the newspapers, praying that Be Cool isn't arriving.

I really want to go with him, we'd have fun (I still have stuck in my head the Laurie-Jo concept from little women), but that'd be like cheating on Joseph. I wouldn't feel guilty if I were going with Angel, or Norm, or Rod, or Art, or any of my boy friends...but it's Joe, you know? As much as I love him as a friend, I always have this "thing" for him.

All tragedies aside, I finally wrote a story to submit to the contest. But not the lame "write a 25-page-long tale about values" contest. It's an international contest, held in Spain. You get to write about what you want, in no more than 8 pages. The story I had in mind just flew out of my fingers into the paper. I wrote it today, all eight pages. I'm down to my second draft now, so hopefully I can mail it next week. The deadline is april 16th, and Spain is far away.

That's why I'm tired, too. I've spent a lot of time thinking and writing and correcting. It's been worth it, except that when I take a break from writing, I can't really rest. Because of the Joseph thing. I keep going back to that.

I had yet another concern when I woke up. Last night, Rod and I were making plans to go bowling with Veronica on saturday. But I'd completely forgotten my sister was coming from New York that day. Luckily, Rod just told me his grandma is coming from abroad that same day, so he can't make it either. That's funny. And a relief, too.

I kind of feel better after writing this entry. I got a lot of things off my chest. I hope I can sleep tonight.

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