The crush on the handrail and the boyfriend leaving (OR "the new season of your favorite show about unsuccesful people")
Friday, 03/11/05 - 9:23 pm.


There's a lot to say today, given it was the beggining of the semester. I couldn't wait to meet up with my friends, Priscilla (formerly refered to as Victoria), Victor and Irene.

On the other hand, I wasn't expecting to see Joseph. Neither Joe. Let alone both at the same time *DRAMATIC GASP*. More on this later.

I have my license back. And I pimped it parking the car in the garage. I was going to go pick up my mom at a clinic in the neighborhood, but she ended up walking back home. Boomer. I really need to start driving...with a purpose, I mean.

The afternoon is what matters here, ok? So let's fast forward to 3 o'clock, when I arrived to the campus. I was feeling a bit out of place. My friend Priscilla got to be an instructor for a subject in psychology, writing techniques (I loved it, I took it in 1st year). She was to show up at 4:30, and since the building she was going to be at was kind of far away from the madness of the student body, I decided to go there, sit on the staircase at the entrance, and kill time. My classes didn't start until 5:30.

She finally showed up at 4:20, and we chatted for a while. She had to go perform her duties so she went into the building. I stayed there, hoping to see Irene, because she's the instructor of the same subject, but for another classroom.

Oh, oh. A guy came to ask me for directions. I gave them to him, but when he walked away, I noticed he was taking the wrong path. I felt sorry for him, and I wished I could whistle to let him know that was not the way. He misunderstood what I said about "the back of the building". Then I just hoped that he got lost long enough not to find me again and beat the shit out of me. But I also do hope he isn't lost by now.

Anyway, I figured I'd have to be all by myself for another hour, but I saw a familiar face walking down the street. Yes, yes. It was Joe. I pretended not to see him (typical), and within a minute he was walking up to me.

I invited him to take a seat, on the handrail, where I was sitting. And Lord, we had a wonderful chat. About nothing in particular. It's just that it's a hundred times better when you talk to someone face to face, rather than through a monitor, which is how, in retrospective, our friendship has developed.

We'd been talking for about 30 minutes when, um...Joseph showed up. I got off the handrail, excusing myself with Joe, and walked up to him. And well, all my schemes came down when I noticed, to my relief, that he wasn't mad at me or anything. Turned out he was there only because he found a friend who asked him to walk her to her classroom...which was incidentally in the building I was outside of.

He seemed kind of distant, sad, but then again, I believe that's how he's been since november. It could also be that his best friend was starting the university today, and Joseph would've been too, if he'd passed the course. We had a very short conversation, and two kisses that made me happy.

And this is where I insert what was going on through my mind: should I introduce these guys to each other? Inmediately I replied to myself: NO. WAY.

I was also concerned as to with whom I was going to be with at the moment. Joe was obviously where I left him, sitting quietly on the handrail, and Joseph seemed to want to get out the campus. It would've been very rude of me to leave Joe, when I'd promised to keep him company until 5:30 (his class began at 6:30). It would've been very rude of me to leave Joseph, because he is my boyfriend...and I don't know if he remembers who this guy (Joe) is: "I'd think of all the guys after your guitar instructor (...) he kept staring at you", and all that.

But indeed, Joseph left. Because anyway, he wasn't planning on seeing me today. The only reason why he did, was because he had to walk this girl to class (jealous, you ask? never...he does it all the time).

I felt bad to see him leave. But I know that this relantionship is in great trouble because of me, because I've been a coward, and until I can fix that, it's best to keep the distance. Not a break, or such. I don't want that. It's funny how getting closer to Joe has made me realize how much I want Joseph. I do have a thing for Joe, I sort of love him, but Joseph...I could never leave him. I would never forgive myself if I lost him.

So, Joseph left. I remained with Joe, we kept on talking about anything and everything (I even showed him the scar on my wrist, from when I used to cut myself). It was great, he's really fun to hang out with. And sometimes we'd look at each other and I'd wonder, how is it possible that I'm talking to this guy? When I saw him onstage I thought we'd never meet; when he was my guitar instructor I didn't think we'd go past knowing each other's names and love for The Beatles. And now we were sitting next to each other, talking non-stop for an hour.

He walked me to the, wait. *We* *walked* to my classroom, and he asked what's he studying, your life partner?. I explained him the deal, but for some reason, the question got stuck in my head. I found it funny that he wouldn't say boyfriend. For no reason, really. I found it cute, "life partner".


When Joe left, I walked into the classroom. I had Latinamerican Literature, and the professor looks both like one Joseph's ex-girlfriends AND like Whoopi Goldberg.

Finally, what I was waiting for: having my friends sitting on the desks near mine, to make funny comments. Priscilla isn't taking this subject, but Irene and Victor are, and that was enough to have a laugh stuck in my throat the whole time. The subject seems really heavy, but amusing and interesting. And YO! CARMEN IS TAKING IT, TOO! WITH HER GIRLFRIEND! And as a matter of fact, I'm happy about it.

Afterwards, we had Social Psychology I. Priscilla joined us (Carmen and her girl left), and my little world was complete. God damn it, one day I'll have a Ph.D. in social psychology. I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT SUBJECT. The professor is the mexican mister with whom I took psychodinamics last semester. God, I love him. He's so clever and smart and hilarious (he told us why there's no cure for AIDS, and that just left everybody: "ooohhh"). And you just feel like hugging the stuffings (he's got a lot) out of him.

My three pals and I didn't have a lot of time to catch up on each other's lives, but hopefully we can get together on sunday, for a farewell for Angie, the fourth pal, who's leaving the country next week. Yes, for good.

I came to an empty house (parents at the theater, nephew at the aunt's), my brother dropped me off and went off to a birthday party for his girlfriend's brother. It's been really comfortable to write this entry home alone. But I shall stop here.

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