Catching up: the godfathers, the friend that came over, and anxiety.
Thursday, 03/24/05 - 12:30 pm.

I have HUGE news today, but for now, I'll be simply catching up on this last couple of days, in which I haven't been able to add an entry.

Just know, I'm so hyper right now (regarding the last sentence in this entry).


March 22nd

I went to a dinner tonight. We went to my brother's ex-girlfriend's parents' house. It's kind of sad, because she married someone else, and her parents always loved my brother. They're very nice.

I'm waiting for Joe to come online to tell him about it, since he's fallen in love with The Godfather. The man is in like his 70s, and he's italian. His voice is so deep, and the pictures in the living room are just so Godfather-like. We had pasta for dinner and he told us about World War II, when he was 15 and still in Italy. Other than that, my dad, my brother and him talked about the situation of the country, and how everything is so fucked-up...that was for nearly four hours, so it's understandable that I have a headache right now.

I've been tearful all day, thinking about Joseph. I tried to take the car today and go to his house, but I turned around and came back. I told my parents I was going to see Cel, since she's here from Guatemala, for the Holy Week (she's Joseph's neighbor). They were all for it, encouraging me and such. But I panicked in the middle of the road and drove back home.

Joseph isn't wrong about anything he said to me last night. That I'm closed-minded, and not-spontaneous, and too intellectual, and boring, and a drag and antisocial, and that I am apathetic when I'm around his friends (he was actually talking only about that time when we'd just begun dating, he took me to a bar near the campus, and I was scared because everybody was drinking and I don't drink. I felt out of place). Bottom line: we don't go out.

You know who encouraged me to take the car and drive to Joseph's? Joe.

- Joe: take the car, I'll help you out.
- Joe: I have contacts in the police and everything. Nothing will happen to you in the streets.
- Joe: just tell me you consider me a friend.

He made me tell him everything, and he cheered me up. I feel bad for thinking he liked me, that was very egocentrical of me. He's just a nice guy, who cares about me. He listened to me (or read me), and gave me advice, and...well, he was just there for me.

- Me: thank you.
- Joe: don't thank me
- Joe: just kiss my ring and swear loyalty to me.

Cute, isn't he?

But aside from that, I feel miserable. I feel stupid, and reckless. Inconsistent and blind. Close-minded and trapped. I'm a coward, and that [is about to] cost me the best relationship I could ever wish for. Joseph gets nothing out of this relationship, and I don't know how to make up for that by now.

I can't really put into words how bad I feel for fucking him up, and so I only cry. Everything's my fault. Dissapointment can make love dissapear, can't it? And he's tired of waiting. I can't blame him.

I'm thinking of asking him out tomorrow afternoon, although I don't know where to go.

For the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep. Part of me was thinking (he'd laugh in my face if he ever knew this) that one day he'll be sorry for being so harsh to me last night. But it only lasts a second, until I come back to reality and know he was only stating the truth. I'm just being romantic, "you'll be sorry" one day. He's got nothing to be sorry for, except for the lame girlfriend he got.


March 23rd
10:57 pm

It took me hours to get to call Joseph and ask him out. It was as difficult as if he wasn't my boyfriend, just some random guy I have a crush on, trying to ask him out for the very first time.

Don't ask how, but I did it, and to my relief -I admit it-, he already had plans for the day. I was trying to sound spontaneous, so I acted like it was some idea that had just ocurred to me, "let's meet some place and then I'll drive you home". But I'd been making that plan for at least a day.

He sounded up to it, though, and he'll say "we'll talk at night". We haven't. And it's almost 11, so we won't.

Minutes after my phone call to him, Cel called. And YAYSHECAMEOVER! She's here for the Holy Week, on vacation (she goes to college in Guatemala). She even ended up going out for dinner with my parents, my brother Alan, and me. Then we drove her home.

Now I'm making plans for tomorrow. Cel invited me to her house, and maybe I can work something out with Joseph. I hope everything turns out ok.

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