Tuesday, 03/29/05 - 10:40 pm.
There was a movie that I wanted to see, in the university auditorium at 4. It's about students from Argentina, who are in some sort of organization and the soldiers kidnap some and torture them. You know, latin american history. I'd seen it at school, back in my day. I liked it, but it was one of those movies that you loved yet wouldn't stand watching it again (in this case, I can't stand the torture scenes). I was very early at the campus, though, so I figured, sure, why not.
Why not? I'll tell you why not: Joseph.
I went to a small forest in the campus, where there are tables. I sat and tried to work on an assignment, keeping an eye on the pedestrian gate that was nearby. I waited. And waited. One hour. One hour and a half. Two hours. And he didn't show up. Do you remember what I said in my last entry? I really don't think he'll show up tomorrow. I was right. And I couldn't concentrate on my work. It was 4 o'clock by then.
The university was packed with foreigners, who've come to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Archbishop Romero. From the United States, mostly. It was a refreshing sight, all those blonde heads, in t-shirts and long skirts, and shorts, and sandals. Typical tourists. One guy even said hi to me. I could only smile. I wanted to befriend all those pretty people, and tell them the bookstore is around the corner, or whatever else they wanted to know.
Still, the university looked like a mall, and I was a little desperate among the crowd. Adding the fact that I was devastated by Joseph not showing up, because I really wanted to talk to him. I walked around, and saw pretty people, and finally, sad, I sat on a step, to read and keep seeing people walk by.
I'd seen Joe walking around, but he didn't see me. I saw him from afar, and I wasn't really in the mood to talk to him, because I kept (foolishly) waiting for Joseph to show up. And I didn't think he'd find me, because I was on a step, literally behind a car, in the parking lot. But suddenly, I heard him sort of tap-dancing, and he came to sit with me.
I was looking for you, he said. And handed me the book I'd lent him, The Godfather, and also a CD he wanted me to give a listen to. We talked about some freaky thing that's been happening to him while he's sleeping, and I tried to overcome my sadness and be a good hostess.
Are you waiting for someone? Wanna go for a walk?, he asked. I said, sure. Joseph was not coming, anyway. We walked around, or so I thought, but then I realized he was taking me to the library. I was acting like I didn't want to, but in the end, I was happy to go somewhere. Anywhere.
We went to the third floor, where you can hear music. I sat in front of a stereo with huge headphones, while he filled an application. I flipped a science magazine (with great articles about the brain/mind dilemma), and then he came. This one's for you, and this one's for me. He got me a Miles Davis CD, and he got Magical Mystery Tour for himself. His stereo didn't have a CD player, so he just got a book about jazz and read it, while I listened to the CD and read the magazine. And we stayed there, in that corner (it was table with two stereos), just minding our own bussiness. It was really nice.
Then he walked me to the classroom. On our way there my very first instructor came to greet us. Youngsters, he yelled, and came from behind. He's very hairy now, and is in a band with Joe.
The rest of the day was my dear friends and I paying attention in class and laughing at our in-jokes. And about that I can't complain. They always brighten my day.
So, in general, I woke up feeling better today. I haven't cried all day, even though I got very desperate when I realized Joseph wouldn't show up. I need to talk to him, I need to get this off my chest. On the other hand, I fear we're going to break up, and I don't want that. I believe we've come a long way, against all odds. And I do love him.
Even though I've found myself so hurt that I'm trying to come up with ways to get back at him. I don't know what I want anymore. I really want us to work out, but I don't see things getting back to normal.