Sunday, 06/23/02 - 4:05 pm.
After reading all of the entries of this diary, I couldn't help thinking of The Guy. And I'd be lying if I said I felt at least half of what these people describe when he kissed me. I was shocked, surprised, confused, kind of turned on, yes....but nothing else.
Good Lord, have I been living in denial about my own feelings towards someone for more than a year? Hi, I'm lame.
According to this site, Simeon is The Remarkable Avenger and I am The Uncanny Thunderball. Oh, how cute.
Tomorrow I'm back to the routine. With spare time just to worry about my lack of time. At a certain point this morning, I was kinda glad I was going back to school. Then, landing in reality...I was still glad. I am not glad right now. So there.
It seemed that today was one of those days just to be enjoyed for what they are. Tonight we're having pizza to celebrate my sister's 32nd birthday (dear God!). Her birthday was the 20th (one day before Joey Kramer's...almost perfect timing) but the family (siblings and parental units) celebrate on weekends, either saturday or sunday night.
So I was saying...I was very happy with today. I'm doing this, I'm doing that, we're doing this with my family tonight...I was practically living as if there was no tomorrow, no yesterday. Just today. Sunday, dammit, I hate sundays...but it was a nice day. Was. Now it sucks, I hate hot sundays.
Despite my suspicious good mood (must be because of the kids), at times I feel impotent. Like I've given everything and I'm not capable of giving more. I mean, I am....but I feel I'm not. Such thing happens with Aerosmith. It's like I do know I have a lot more...only I don't know how to spend it. And that's happening with so many things in my life, besides Aerosmith.
Yesterday, several times that I looked at the clock, it was certain hour with eleven minutes. That feeling had worn off during this week, but it's back...everyday, when I look at the clock, it's a certain hour with eleven fuckin' minutes. Not nine, not twelve...eleven.
Getting back to The Guy...it wouldn't surprise me I really didn't love him. No, wait...let's set this straight: he was lusting. I wasn't quite lusting, I was more surprised that someone would lust because of me [*insert ironic laugh*]. But seriously, he lusts for half of the girls, so I'm really not especial. I read in a book (a novel, nothing scientific) that love leads to lust...and lust could lead to love, which is my case. Not "his" case, not "our" case. Just mine. I loved him. In a very potential way. I mean...I was willing to love him, if he accepted me and loved me back, which he didn't, because he was really not interested in me.
And no, when he kissed me...it was more shock than any other "magical" thing. But honestly...did I ever say he was the man of my life? (*turning to Simeon, who's sitting in a couch behind yours truly*) Simeon, did I ever? *Simeon shakes head*. No. I never said that (not that I remember...). But I know if he had given me the chance we both would have won something nice, emotionally speaking. But he didn't want to give me the chance, because he wasn't into sexual games for other reason than to win a nice fuck, not because he was looking for someone like me. And I lasted this much because I loved to feel wanted and maybe we could get to something more serious, something deeper. But no...no fireworks. Just a small appliance short circuit. In a few words, I just got confused.
Over a year of suffering and struggling, wanting something I could never have, just to justify it all with a "it was a mistake, I got confused". What a lame excuse.
It might be true, though. And I can't help crack up. It's the funniest thing that has happened in my life. Yet if I had to picture all this, I'd draw it as a sad clown.
I didn't call him in the entire week. He didn't call either. I kept wondering if he needed me. No, he doesn't.
[*insert amusing, loud laugh*] Oh, God.....thanks for the laughs. Now I guess I should start packing up my school shit for tomorrow. I really don't want to go, but suddenly I'm high and I don't give a fuck. I'm in tears laughing. Oh, the endorphines.
Oh, yeah, we came back...just to kick some ass - Steven Tyler.
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