Thursday, 04/14/05 - 10:13 pm.
Last night, I couldn't sleep. Mosquitoes kept me up for two hours, while the headache at the back of my head remained. I was a little scared, because I was feeling just like the day I fell on the ice, minus the pain of the fracture. I was nauseous, my hands were cold and pale, my face was hot. I felt stuffed, like I was going to throw up, when I hadn't even had dinner. I kept thinking Stuart Sutcliffe, Stuart Sutcliffe. But no, he had a tumour.
My day was ok, I guess. I went swimming at 7:30, and this time around I was able to breathe properly. Breathe in, mouth, above water, breathe out, nose, underwater. I endured 30 minutes, and when I got out of the pool, I was feeling fantastic, like I could go on for hours. Two hours later, though, my entire body was aching and I took a 45 minute nap.
My highlight of the day, given it was an uneventful one, was a cup of some sort of cold coffee. And spending time with Irene and Victor (Priscilla skips class on thursday, she goes to church (!!!)). I almost sat next to the guy I like in Industrial Psychology, but I left that seat for Irene. Nothing big about this guy, I'm not interested, really, he's just such an eye candy. He's the one that asked my friend Norm for a kiss, I must've told that here. For us, he used to be Priscilla's "angel", because she'd find him everywhere.
You know, I have found myself thinking of Joe quite often, and hoping everyday to see him. I haven't, since two weeks ago. I think of Joe a lot, in spite of me. But then I go back to Joseph, and I break again.
Ok, I still like Joe. I stopped mentioning him in the last weeks of my relationship because I'd devoted myself to Joseph, and since I thought I'd saved "us", I let him go. Like I said, Joe was a fantasy, so I could really do without him. I wanted (WANT) Joseph.
I feel like a failure. All couples at the end of their teens and the beggining of their 20s last, at least, over a year...everybody I know has had that. Joseph and I, on the other hand, only lasted 11 months. And you know why? because I couldn't take care of him. He loved me. He once loved me. Guilt has started to consume me.
I've been running into the girl he told me (exactly a week ago) that likes him. She was looking me at me tonight, and for a few seconds I could've sworn she was talking about me with the guy she was with. I heard a "plays the guitar", and moments later the name of Joseph's best friend. Maybe it was just paranoia. But she did keep looking at me. I was uncomfortable, and ashamed. For some reason, I felt defeated.
I would like to see him hooking up with her. It's me being a masochist, victimizing myself, I guess. Or because I like to think he'd remember what a wonderful person I am (haha *rolls eyes*), and he'd be annoyed by her. Because she is all preppy, with a nasal voice and all. She'd probably go to bed with him right away....No, I'm not calling her a whore. I don't think she is. I'm just saying she seems to be the type that could satisfy needs like Joseph's the way I couldn't. She makes me feel embarrased, that's all.
I'm meeting Joe tomorrow. I have to give him back a CD he lent me two fridays ago. Tomorrow is the first cycle of my break-up with Joseph, "one week ago...". I wonder for how long I'll be counting. I do know that this sunday would have made eleven months.
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