Sunday, 06/23/02 - 10:30 pm.
It's freaky, but as soon as I finished my last entry, he called. When I heard his voice, I almost laughed out loud. Just so you know...when I said I was laughing about all that's happened between us, I don't mean I'm laughing at him. I'm not making fun of him, I'm making fun of all this time, my states of mind because of it and my crappy excuse to justify it all.
Um, yeah, we talked, we had minutes of uncomfortable silence...he tried to turn me on...it's sweet that he did think of me, though. He still makes me feel confused. But I came to the conclusion that confusion is just a state of mind, like love or hate, so I'm not going to worry about making up my mind over what I feel about him. He makes me feel confused, just as the Travesty Skeleton makes me wanna thow up and Cel makes me feel understood. Simple as that. It's just that people have created this urban legend that confusion it's temporary, it's that second between being given two options and choosing one. Could be. But I realized that's not my case with the guy. He doesn't give me options, though he makes me feel confused. So...ok. Confusion it is. I won't fight against it. It's not the best feeling a person can give you but hey, shit happens.
I think it's that dose of lust and that dose of pity I feel for him that make up for a good mixing that can be mistaken for love.
Has it happened to you that something happens to you? Yeah, I mean...something happens and ten minutes later you feel that something is bugging you, but you don't know what it is. You do know it's something that just happened in the past, but can't remember what it is.
I've had that the whole evening. No, wait.....I remember what's bugging me now. Damn, I feel so shitty. It's this: my brother was watching Mtv, I'd stopped watching it and focused on the computer. I hear my brother go: Hey, yo.... When I turn my head, I see this message on the TV: Aerosmith's video "Sweet Emotion" was shot here. 7TH BASTARD OF THE 5TH FUCKIN' HELL!!!! 1325 Commonwhealth Avenue, I know. I've always seen those Mtv commercials, they show a place and say that that's where a band shoot X video. I didn't know Aerosmith would appear. You know what's sadder? I didn't even see the place, I just turned my head in time to read the legend. So there. That's what's been bugging me. Wouldn't it bug you, too? I mean, we're talking about me, the sad Aerosmith fan, put on my shoes....don't you wanna cry?. Feel my pain. Then I sat two hours straight in front of the TV to see if it aired again. No such luck. Maybe tomorrow.....
Huh. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm back to school, I've said that before, I know you know. But I'm not thrilled about it. I'll take a deep breath.......and I'll pretend I'm a teenage superhero tripping on heroin and everything and everybody that surround me it's a lame Matrix joke.
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