I can tell that we're going to be friends.
Thursday, 04/21/05 - 11:04 pm.

Today has been, without a doubt, a beautiful day. From feeling socially functional, to receiving a phone call from Joseph (!!!).

Since I have my Social Psychology midterm tomorrow, we were supposed to update the Psychology Billboard today. I was doing it by myself, because I was at the campus very early, and I didn't want to be late for class. Because you know, updating the billboard takes time.

Denver walked by and stayed with me for a while. He even gave me a candy. I must admit he looked pretty cute today, and I really enjoyed having him around. OH, HEY! You wanna hear something funny? Joe doesn't like me (I feel ashamed for giving myself too much credit), he likes Denver's girlfriend! She's his classmate. What a small world. I crack up every time I remember.

Another guy came by...he's in my Latinamerican Literature class, but is in second year, I believe. He had a baby hamster in his hands (OMGITOUCHEDITITWASSOCUTE!), he's giving away a few, because he's only allowed to have three. I'm thinking about getting one but...you see, I LOVE animals, and I'd actually been thinking of getting a hamster, but...well, just like romantic relationships, they require a lot of effort. Maybe too much more than I'm willing to make.

A lot of people walked by and said hi to me. I accidentaly dropped a few papers, and this guy picked them up for me. His name is George, and he's in SP with me. I met his last semester in another class we had, and I discovered he loves The Beatles. I kind of like him, he's very cute, all caucasian and stuff. We started to talk about the midterm, and, as he said, I cleared all the doubts he's had about the subject over these last weeks. I love being of some help.

I was only halfway through clipping the material and some people were already stopping and reading what was already clipped. Including my Social Psychology instructor. I love her, you know? I've never even met her, but if I were a lesbian, I'd like to get it on with her. Sometimes I think she might be, because she hangs out with another girl the way Carmen hangs with her girlfriend. But it's just me, trying to amuse myself. We exchanged a couple of words. The truth is, for some reason, I look up to her. I look up to that group of students in their 4th and 5th grade, who've been my instructors. They just seem so cool.

Long story short, the rest of the PB team arrived and we finished the work. And then I just remained walking around, between the billboard and my classroom...hoping that Joseph showed up and didn't show up. I found one of his friends, H, and he asked me how I was doing. He said I should take it easy, and all that. If only you looked at yourself in the mirror. He never misses a chance to tell me I'm pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Aw.

I think I was being too hormonal today, though. I had a rush when I saw Denver, when he came kind of close to me. Then with George. And then with H. Especially when he held my hand and kissed me goodbye on the cheek. He did that twice, we ran into each other twice. I also saw Joseph's best friend, and...no, no rush with him (maybe a little), just words of encouragement, to make me feel better.

My 4:30 class was cancelled. I was with Victor and Irene (Priscilla doesn't take that class), and we went for coffee. I had a chocolate granita, from the coffeehouse (THE coffeehouse). We hung out until the next class, at 5:30, and I swear I was feeling so wonderful. I felt, dare I say it, invincible. And I was laughing. We were laughing so hard, we always have the most retarded conversations. And that went on when Priscilla arrived.

Social Psychology was kind of neat, even though we have the midterm tomorrow. Industrial Psychology, afterwards...well, I'm very disappointed with the results, I'm getting low grades (having in mind what I'm accostumed to), but the class is hilarious...that silly old man.

At the end of the class, we saw Angie, who was in campus just to see a friend of hers. She's leaving for good on may 7th, we really need to schedule a get-together. I also saw Fer, and again, I had a rush. But, in my defense, he looked very handsome. You see, he's dumb and silly, even annoying, but he's quite good-looking.

You see, I was feeling so good today, that I was looking for people to fall in love with, that's what the rush was about. And nothing serious, really. Just playing around, to entertain myself.

My brother was giving me a ride home, he had to come pick up a few things. We had a nice chat in the car, about his scholarship (he's going to Spain!) and classes and midterms in general. By now I've heard a couple of jokes from my classmates, if I'll get access to his midterm (since he's my professor) and all. But the people who've asked, are the people that know I do well on my own. So it's not big deal.

Ok, I'm finally where I wanted to get. Joseph called me tonight.

Right, well, first I have to apologize. For falling into what Joseph, and then Angel, have always tried to keep me from falling into: supposing.

Just last night, Angel (and later Victor) asked me if I was sure Joseph was ignoring me, these two times I've seen him at the university. And I insisted, yes, he was ignoring me, he couldn't have missed me where I was standing. But what Joseph said when he called was I haven't seen you at the university. And then I remembered: he once walked right next to me, and it was only because he was distracted in his own thoughts that he missed me. I slapped my forehead.

Seeing his phone number caught me by surprise, but I noticed it right when I was answering, so I had no time to hesitate. He sounded friendly, and I was willing to be friendly, too. Most of our conversation was about computers, and one or two of his stories. He always has a story to tell (today being the one in which some guys broke into his house when he was 15, and tied him and his family up and took everything...the point is, though, that they didn't find his bedroom).

At first, I was shaking. I wasn't expecting a "let's get back together" call or anything. But in fact, I was mostly...happy. Happy to hear him. Happy to know we are keeping our promise, "we're going to be friends". There were no awkward references to our past relationship, except for a how could you fall in love with a neanderthal like me?. But even that wasn't awkward.

We talked for about an hour. He said he was offended by the way Priscilla blew him off yesterday...I knew it, she shouldn't have done it (and I told her). I excused them. He said I haven't seen you at the university. And there I thought of Angel. He'll call me loser when I tell him this. I said I had seen him, but from afar...and you know I don't yell. Which is true, anyway. Even if I knew that he would greet me back (and after the talk, I know he would), I wouldn't have yelled to call his attention.

He even asked me "when will you come to visit me?". And you know what? I might go as soon as midterms are over. It hurts me that he's not my boyfriend anymore, but what the fuck, WHAT THE FUCK, I say...he's still my friend. I haven't lost him entirely, there are no hard feelings, and that's enough.

I'm sad, because I miss him, I'm still in love with him. I want to cry really bad. But knowing we're friends makes me feel so much better, and I half-smile. Hopefully, eventually, I will come to terms with the break-up, and we'll be good friends. Although, apparently, we already are (*throws confetti*).

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