Thursday, 04/28/05 - 10:16 pm.
Joseph was cheating on me, and Fer found out while playing with the cell phone of the girl. He found text messages, with horrible grammar, almost undecipherable, about how he wanted her and not me.
Fer was relunctant to tell me, because of the pain it might cause me, but above all, because people save their conversations. I promised I wouldn't save it (don't see the difference, I saved it in my head). He didn't say "he cheated on you". He told me the story. My hands got colder and colder as he went on.
Obviously, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't cry either. All I had was this knot in my stomach, enormous disgust, an urgency to throw up, but couldn't. I went to bed very late, but I didn't even try to fall asleep. I just read for tonight's midterm (it wasn't so hard), until I lost my conscience at almost 2 am. Then I woke up at 6:45 to go swimming. And amazingly, I swam for 30 minutes and yet didn't nap. But that was because I had too much in my head.
I saw him in the afternoon. Just a wave, and I even managed to half-smile. But inside I was crumbling, and the knot was tighter. I tried to get close to the cafeteria, maybe he was cuddling with her, or something. I couldn't see. And part of me was "don't jump to conclusions, it could even be untrue".
I told Priscilla. She said she saw him with the girl yesterday, but just walking around. I told Victor. I told Irene. I even told Angie, she was at the campus today (she's leaving the country next week!).
What kills me is that I can't go and ask him. Because I'm not supposed to know. But what if Fer is lying? or what if he's telling the truth? I go on panic attacks, whichever perspective I choose. Mostly I've stuck to the second one, because it makes a lot of sense. I have flashbacks, like him never missing a chance to pick on her. And how...well, they actually look good together, she's all punk, with red hair, with strange shoulders, wearing sunglasses. *sigh*
Oh, hey. His mom on the newspaper today. She's a cook.
Right now, I'm second guessing what Fer told me. I just wish I could go and ask Joseph (Fer doesn't want me to...yeah, why not, I ask, too). I don't understand how people can do that. If he didn't want to be with me anymore (and it seemed so since november), he should've just broken up before. I wouldn't mind if someone broke up with me because he's fallen for somebody else...of course, it'd hurt, but this hurts a whole lot more.
I'm thinking of going to his house tomorrow morning. He has a book of mine, anyway, and I panic when people don't return my books. But I can't ask him straightforward. He could suspect, he could lie. I don't know. All I know is I have a knot in my stomach, and I can't get rid of it.
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