Friday, 04/29/05 - 9:54 pm.
I've been sort of ok, today. At least better than yesterday, even though I had an awful episode with my parents, that kept me from seeing Joseph.
See, my plan was to go to his house, give him a copy of my book, get him to give me back a book I'd lent him, ask him about cheating and then leave. But I wasn't going to tell him anything specific. I'd thought of something like:
Look, I didn't want to ask you this, because you may be offended. It may offend you now, too, but I need to get this off my chest. We're not dating anymore, so it won't really matter. But the thing is...were you with other girs while we were together? I know it's a horrible thing to ask, but that idea haunted me the whole time in Houston, because we weren't on good terms when I left. I even kind of wished you broke up with me before I went away, I felt like a burden to you. You're a grown man, and you have sexual needs, different from mine, and since I wasn't giving you any...you know. And when I came back, I found things weren't the same. They weren't the same, and I felt I wasn't "the one" anymore. You said "welcome to an adult relationship" that day in your bedroom, but I don't think we even had a real relationship since november. So, um...I just had that fear.
Well, I called him in the morning. It took me a lot of guts, but I dialed, and he was polite, as usual. A little sleepy, but he said he'd be home. I said I'd be over in a while, and I went to tell my dad I'd go to Joseph's house to pick up a book.
Then things got ugly. My mother started talking. My dad started talking, too, and at first I thought he was standing up for me. But no. Quite the opposite. They gave a very annoying lecture, very straightforward, but never using the word RAPE. How diplomatic of them.
I had to call Joseph again. I told him I wouldn't be able to make it. Why?, he asked. I kept silence. Oh, your parents. In that moment, had I been Joseph, I'd have been very happy to have broken up with a 20 year-old whose autonomy is invalidated by her conservative, overprotective, paranoid parents. I said something like take the book when you go to the university. He was half-asleep, I don't think he got it right. But the book was just the excuse. I wanted to see him and talk to him.
I cried a lot, out of anger. Even in the afternoon, I broke down and I almost decide not to go to class today. I wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself. And this time, it had nothing to do with Joseph. For the time being, I stayed with the impression he gave me over the phone, which was a nice and friendly, however comatose, guy. I felt invalidated, judged, untrusted, mentally retarded. My parents have built this cage around me, and I just cannot fight them back. I can't. Because I'm so dependent on them. They've never taught me independence. They never talked to me about sex and relationships, and suddenly they say I'll be raped.
My fears with them have been justified. I was always so afraid of a damn lecture like today's. I would consider them a very good reason for anyone to break up with me. They're horrible, they get all defensive. With friends they're so lovely, but boyfriends, that's another thing. Their faces get somber, and they get so serious, like they're going to beat me up for having feelings for someone.
My parents are crap at this. My boyfriends are supposed to come to my house, or meet me at the university. And no more. Well, why can't he come to the house and drop the book off? Why doesn't he go to the university and give you the book there?. My God, no wonder I'm so lazy. I've had the worst education for life...I've had none.
My parents' relationship, however strong and long (36 years, through war, exile, poverty, rejection, etc) is just lame, and their everday interaction sucks. They're out all the time, but to go to the bank, church, the supermarket, make payments, visit a friend who's dying or to a funeral (you know, when you're at an old age, your friends begin to die). What I mean is, it always involves a responsability. They never go out for a movie, or shopping, or to have dinner, unless they've been invited to a wedding. They never do anything remotely healthy for a couple. I've always thought they're together more because of routine than because of love.
I'm really close to cutting myself and not caring if they see. Yeah, I cut myself when I'm mad. One day, when my dad shuts me up, I'll run to the kitchen and I'll stab my own arm. I have anger issues, in case you don't know. And they should know that, because most things rotting inside of me come from them, and how they've ruined my life by shutting themselves on fundamental subjects.
*sigh*
Well, back to Joseph. I guess after talking to him this morning, I don't care what he did or didn't. Right now, I'm thinking of how wonderful things were, at least for a while.
I got an e-mail from Angel this evening, and he says I should let go, I should stay away from the topic (cheating), because what good would it make to know? At times I think Fer was making everything up, just so I'd get over Joseph and stop blaming myself. I don't know. See, I would like to know...I insist, I want to know. I think it's fair that I know, or at least ask. Sure, I wouldn't do anything to change what happened, if it happened, and I may even be lied to (because somebody is lying here). But I need to know. If I was fooled, then I don't want to be fooled twice by having things hidden from me.
But for the time being, I'll take Angel's advice. Because I'm too tired, and I'm too disgusted by my parents, and I'm sick of being the way I am. I analyze my behaviors, and all I see is my parents' influence. This inflammated Super Ego they gave me, and how I can't fight it. How I can't fight them, because it'd be like biting the hand that feeds. And see, I'm not ungrateful AND I can't feed myself.
Well...on a lighter note. Joseph's best friend, C, gave me three chocolates today. He said it was because I gave him my snacks the other day, when I ran into him and he hadn't had lunch. He's so nice.
I saw Joe tonight after class, when I wasn't expecting to see him. To be honest, everyday I hope to see him. And it isn't even that I like him. I just feel so hollow that I wait. I wait, to see someone. Joseph, mostly, but I'm aware of the situation. I can't explain it. I'm always looking around, as if I'm looking for a sign.
I'm making a new list of eye-candy boys. And to my surprise, one of the boys in it talked to me today. He kind of looks like Joseph...the style, I mean. Skinny, black t-shirt, jeans...BUT, this one has dyed his hair blonde. It looks funny. Well, I was sitting on my spot, just finished drinking my coffee granita, and I heard a girl walking down the stairs, I'd like to know where I can find that coffee. And the blonde guy asks, excuse me, where do you get that coffee?. I explained him and he said thank you. Then they walked away. I sighed.