The one who leaves, the one who leaves me, and the one who stays with me.
Friday, 05/06/05 - 9:12 pm.

Patch, an old friend, called me this morning. I got your message. I'd sent him a text message, telling him about Joseph and I. So he called to check on me, that was so fucking sweet of him. We never talk. We've barely talked since high school, but somehow our bonds are very strong. I text him once in a while. So he made my day. I made him laugh and he said you made mine. I love Patch so much.

Today's Veronica's birthday, and Rod and I got together to go greet her. But my day was ruined when I stepped into campus and saw a few of Joseph's friends, including the alleged new girlfriend. That disturbed me, as well as the fact that one of his friends who used to be so nice to me, turned around when I was going to say hi to her.

Rod and I called Veronica to know where she was, and we went to see her and hug her and wish her a happy birthday. Then Rod and I ran into a few of his friends, and since I didn't want to be left alone with that thing I was feeling, I hung out with them for a while.

They had to go to class, though, so I went to sit under a tree to work on an essay. But instead I started to cry. Seeing his new girl, and feeling disposable and unloved, and rejected by his friends was too much. I kept my sight on the paper, and everything around me was a blur....so I'd confuse all figures with Joseph approaching.

He did approach, you know. But I don't think he noticed I was crying. He said a few irrelevant things, so did I. And I just remained silent, wiping my wet cheeks with a finger, fearing the mascara had run. Well, I'm not interrupting you anymore, he said, as he always says (that's one of his ways of saying "goodbye"). Normally I'd have asked him to stay, or say "no, no", but I just smiled sadly and he walked away. I started to rip like a piece of paper.

I couldn't bear being there anymore, so I went for a walk. I decided I'd go ask JC for a guitar. But he wasn't there. Luckily, my brother (professor) was out of his office, taking a break, and he invited me to go have a snack. We talked about the midterm, he's mildly dissapointed with some of the results. Nothing specific on mine, but he knows and I know that I won't do too bad.

When he and I were walking out of the campus, I saw Joseph's girl (Fer just confirmed that) again. She wasn't with him. I harbored a little hope, maybe they aren't together. Then I thought "maybe they just don't want me to see them together and are leaving one after the other"...I hated myself for that paranoid though. I just let go of the subject and enjoyed the drinks (non-alcoholic) with my brother.

He had to go back to his office, so I went and sat on my spot. Victor and Irene arrived shortly afterwards. I was already feeling better with my brother, and they made me feel a bit better-er. They had to go to the library, though, and while they were gone, Fer showed up, looking for Angie.

Angie leaves for the USA tomorrow morning. It's kind of hard for me to think I'll never see her again. I made her a little package this morning, while I was wrapping up Veronica's present (a copy of my book, I'm so cheap and egocentric), and Elsy's present (idem). Elsy's a friend from high school, I talked about her years ago. Tomorrow's her birthday.

So I was with Fer, and one of Angie's friends showed up, too. Meanwhile, I saw Joseph leaving the university. Only then I got rid of the fear that he and she were leaving together. It was a relief, for whatever that was worth.

C approached, too, and it seems I'm getting my ear pierced on monday. While I was talking to him, I felt someone pulling locks of my hair. I turned around and it was Joe. We talked about a few things, and he said he was going to attend a class at 5:30. That was a shame, because my 5:30 class was cancelled. And just yesterday we were talking about ditching one day. Obviously, today wasn't the day.

My friends, Irene and Victor, dissappeared from my sight. So I went outside the classroom and sat on my spot, waiting for Angie to show up, thinking of Joseph AND of Joe. And Joseph's girl. I was a wreck.

Then I see Irene and Victor coming with Priscilla (she was in instructor-duty, and doesn't attend the 5:30 class). We just decided we should go have ice cream, Irene yelled at me. Fuck it all, I thought, and the four of us went and bought an ice cream cone. But we had to leave the parlor, because Priscilla's ex-boyfriend was there with his girlfriend. I feel her pain (even though she's been haunted by that situation for almost two years now).

The four of us bonded, class began at 6:30 and ended at 8 o'clock, as usual. Angie was outside the classroom, and the five of us tried not to get too emotive. There were no tears. And so...farewell, dearest Angie.

My dad had something to do tonight, so he wasn't picking me up until at least 8:30, and by then the university is empty (it isn't so safe to be out at night, so people rush home). I sat on a bench near the pedestrians' gate, and just saw people walk by while feeling like crying, trying not to. Deeply, I was hoping I'd see Joe. But it was 8:20 by then, so I lost hope.

Which is when I saw him coming with a girl. I used to be annoyed by this girl, N. She always seemed to get in the way between D. and I in senior high. But she's nice, seriously. They both waved at me, finding strange the fact that I was actually there at that time. I said I'd be leaving shortly. And they walked away.

To my surprise, though, Joe came back and sat next to me. I can't leave you alone at this time. Why not, I asked. Look at this wire fence behind you, he said. So? You know, you could do this.... I said I was over the self-harm stage.

The conversation wasn't important. I was mostly surprised that he had come because he didn't want me to be alone. I was worried, too, because he travels by bus, and they stop routing at about 8:30. And I wasn't going to be able to offer him a ride, because he lives too far away (for what I know).

My dad called at 8:30, so we walked to the gate and said goodbye. I wanted him to know I was concerned, but I could only say "thank you". I was very scared for him. I remembered Ern, that a year ago (may 26th), he got shot at a bus stop, at night.

He just came online, so I feel relieved. However, I'd like to point out that I was feeling physically worried. Since Joseph, my feelings are so strong that they affect my body. I was overwhelmed by Joe, because what he did was so nice. But I was thinking the worse.

I sent Joseph a text message when I came home, sorry for being a bitch, but people disgust me today and I'd have thrown up on you. I'll be nicer next time. Meaning, "you make me sick and I want to throw my chunks on you". But I still want him to approach and say hi sometimes...I guess it'd kill me if he, on top of everything he's done to me, ignored me.

I'm done with bussiness for today.

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