Saturday, 05/07/05 - 10:25 pm.
Last night, my nickname was i hate you for not loving me. And inmediately Joe changed his to i love you if you love me. He was probably just being playful, he said my nickname was too harsh. But it hit me. More than I'd like to allow it to.
So you had me this morning, waking up too late to go swimming, thinking of Joe. Not just thinking. It wasn't butterflies in the stomach either, it was like too much oxygen in my aorta. I wouldn't know. But I went to bed thinking of him, and I woke up thinking of him.
But I don't want to think he could save me. It'd be unwise to hope for anyone to save me from feeling like crap. That can only be accomplished on my own. I don't want him to save me, really. But he certainly makes me feel good. I keep thinking of what he did for me last night. He says that I exaggerate, that it was nothing. It probably wasn't. Come to think of it, anyone who's mildly my friend and had some spare time would've stayed with me. It kills the excitement, but I need to keep my feet on the ground.
Today I spent the day with my nephew, something I hadn't done since we were in Houston, months ago. Our terribly busy schedules (me on third year of university, him on third grade of school) keeps us apart, so today was a good day. We were going swimming, but instead we went walking to the vet, so Frog would get a shot. We sang and people stared at us for that. It's only with my kids (nephews and niece) that I dare to be loud and extroverted in public. Odd.
We played Nintendo and watched music videos. We finished the day going for pizza and bowling with my sister. It's so fun to go out on a saturday night...I remembered Fer and C had offered me to take me out someday. They're horrified to know I don't go out. Well, I did tonight. It was so fun.
There's one reason why I'm not eager to go out with both of them. I look at them and I see a third piece missing: Joseph. I met them both through him. It's still painful.
You see, I begin thinking of Joe, and the harder I think about him, the quicker I fall into depression. Alright, sadness. It's jus sadness. Joe and Joseph are inevitably entangled, it seems. So I think I'd like to be with Joe and then Joseph comes into the picture...I'm not over him. Not over the Joseph that used to tell me he'd take care of me, that'd tell me I was gorgeous, that'd make me laugh saying he was Spiderman...And also, I'm not over the betrayal and the hurt.
I freaked out when I realized that my ball was the same color as the hair of Joseph's girlfriend, some orange-ish red. Stupid, but who wouldn't freak out at such thing? Strangely enough, all through the day I'd forgotten about her. Until I held the ball I thought about her, and how much I hate her for "helping" Joseph. Sometimes I don't know whether to wish he cheated on her, or her on him. To whoever will hurt the most. Sometimes I even wonder if they love each other. I asked Fer if it looked like he loved her, like it once seemed he loved me. He wouldn't answer, "I don't like to compare". Whatever, man.
I got very upset for a while, and, surprise, that made me win the match.
Right now, I just watched sex & the city, not really sure what the episode was about. I'm talking to Joe, but for now it's Joseph who's plaguing my psyche. I can't even begin to explain why. It's everything. Sometimes the good, sometimes the bad, all the time it's both.
I thought that the distance between us began with a second, the second he said it wasn't working. And I feared distance, how it'd grow second by second, and how every passing day he'd be further away from me, how his remaining feelings for me would vanish. As of yesterday, I'm talking in terms of months. No more seconds, hours or days. Months. But also, distance spells out disaster...we were a disaster before distance began.
I'd like to make clear that I'm not happy right now. I had a good day, though.
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