Thursday, 05/12/05 - 9:54 pm.
I've had a very lonely day, sprinkled with stupidity. You know, there are days when you do stupid stuff, like answering to a question that wasn't directed to you, or waving at someone that ignores you, or purchasing a photocopy that doesn't even belong to your career...yeah, I made a lot of small mistakes.
The university seemed very empty today. Not just because of the fact that I had practically zero social interaction, aside from talking to my three friends (just barely), but...I don't know, it didn't seem too crowded. I hadn't felt so lonely in a long time.
Plus, I hate thursdays. Classes begin at 4:30, non-stop until 8. That was the usual in all of my past semesters, but I had the 5:30-6:30 hour off. Besides, after having classes begin at 5:30 four days a week, the 5th day beggining an hour later is just annoying.
No sight of Joseph today. I was ok with it, until on my way home, I felt like crying. And much to my own surprise, I threw myself in bed and cried like the day we broke up. I don't understand. I was doing relatively fine. Suddenly I started to miss him, but I had no real memory to be fond of. It was just him. I miss him, I'd just forgotten that. Or maybe it was just my crappy, lonely day.
I feel very depressed. I hate using that word, because depression...well, that's more some sort of a disease, or at least not a very casual emotion. Alright, let's say I'm beyond sad. It's like the atmosphere is putting so much pressure on me, or like I have this awful weight I can't get rid of. I'm starting to feel like I did before I met Joseph, the way I started my life in college. Tearful, and tired, and pointless, and empty, and so sad. Only this time I probably won't cut myself.
On a less pathetic note, I was sitting somewhere, reading, when a guy jumped on me and covered my eyes. Hello, he whispered. I always get anxious when I don't know who it is, so I have to remove the hand. It was Will, a mutual friend of Joseph and yours truly. That made me smile, he was so sweet. I was craving human touch.
Something else that warmed my heart was seeing my friend Priscilla finally talking to her "angel". This guy she's seen wherever she goes. They sat next to each other and talked a little. What made my heart shrink was that she sneezed, and everybody in the classroom went "bless you" at the same time. Then the "angel" said: Priscilla?. Yes, she asked. Bless you. I was so moved. He looks like such a nice kid.
The rest is lame, or unimportant. It rained a lot at 5:30. I came home and saw footage of a man getting shot to death, and soccer fanatics throwing a fellow fanatic over a balcony after beating him up. And then scenes from a movie in which a man went looking for help to save his kid, but nobody helped him so the boy died in a cab. Great. Fucking peachy.
I just learned that Carmen was involved in a car accident, but it isn't so serious. I also learned that the Girl Joseph Once Told Me She Liked Him (Lord!) has a boyfriend. I don't know why, but that kind of gave me peace of mind. She probably never even liked him...yes, now I second guess everything regarding him. That hurts, as well.
Last night, because I was lonely, I worked on a few writings I have. I really want to write another book, and I have a lot of material, but it's hard to shape it up. It doesn't have a structure. But I don't feel like creating one, either. I like it chaotic.
Well, I talked to Angel (he came online just to cheer me up), I'm talking to Victor, and I already cried a lot. This day will end soon. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a little better.
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