Thursday, 06/02/05 - 9:37 pm.
This day has been awful. Or maybe just my mood was awful. It's all the same, I'm feeling sad, almost depressed, in a way I hadn't in a long time.
Nothing big happened, really. In the morning I went swimming, and instead of studying for the Industrial Psychology midterm, I slept for two hours. Just out of denial. At noon I got to chat for a while with Joe, and it was fun. I love talking to him. He liked the story I wrote yesterday, he said he bet there wouldn't be a better one in my class.
Ok, that's probably where the bad part of the day starts. Lately I feel like I'm not good enough in Latinamerican Literature. I've never been, I'm not a writer, in spite of what some people believe. I didn't want to mention this yesterday because it really embarrased me, but the professor said something about a paper I'd written, in which I got a 6.5. *Yours truly* usually gets 10s and 9s, but this time it seems she was afraid to talk about herself. She said it in front of the class, and although no one turned to look at me, I felt bad, because she sounded disappointed.
And today she was going to read my story, the one I'd written yesterday, but before she began, she felt the need to say it wasn't exactly according to the subject (urban literature). She read the first paragraph and said the name didn't match the style in general. She didn't go any further, but because class was over. Thank the Lord for that.
She's like that, she'll always give criticism in front of the class. She once wanted to read out loud the grades people got in the midterms, but luckily some students talked her out of it. See, I don't mind the criticism. She's the literature expert. I'm just so fucking disappointed, I have less talent than the little talent I thought I had. Why do I have a book published if there are people who write better, much better? That fact makes me feel cocky.
But before this incident happened in class, there was something on my mind. I was in campus at 3:30, and I got together with Irene, and then with a classmate named Nelson. Even later Priscilla, Michelle and Victor joined us. I saw the guy in sunglasses, the one that always stares at me. I like him.
That's beside the point, though. When I was arriving to the campus, I saw a bunch of Joseph's friends going to a bar nearby. Including the dyed red-hair girl who was his girlfriend like a week ago. When I was studying with my friends, I saw them coming, and Joseph was among them. He looked at me and waved shyly, and then I didn't see him again.
I didn't mind at first, but then it was bothering way too much. Like I expected him to ditch his friends to at least come greet me face to face. Or maybe it upset me that he was, apparently, still friends with the dyed red-hair girl. I don't know exactly what it is. But it was making me highly uneasy.
Oh, hey, I said to myself, he isn't even my boyfriend anymore, so he can do whatever he wants and I can't demand anything. Ergo, I shall go on with my life. I will keep looking out for my eye-candies, ok? And about that time this Wolverine-looking guy was walking around. He looks funny. Yeah, like Wolverine. I like him, as well. But I think I like SunglassesGuy more.
You know, I also saw D with his girlfriend. It's no good to wish ill upon others, but I thought they'd broken up, and for some reason, it seriously made me feel bad.
After LL, came Social Psychology. I was now uncomfortable with the comments from my LL professor AND about seeing Joseph AND the midterm that was coming after SP. Caucasian Guy sat next to me, though we didn't talk. He made me a Beatles CD, though, he said he'll give it to me soon. He's a cutie, I tell you. But the class was a disaster, all about activities for the rest of the semester (only a month left). I could've cried, I didn't understand much.
Finally, it was time for the midterm. I was also upset because my friends, Victor, Priscilla and Irene skipped class to study. I should've done the same, but I'm not capable. Perhaps I'm mad because I'm not capable. Or maybe because that leaves me with the heavy responsability of taking note of everything the professor says and then passing the notes on to them. Easy for them. I was so upset, that when Victor asked me a question that could appear on the midterm, I went mute, and didn't even open my mouth.
At the same time, Michelle approached and asked me about tomorrow. Because tomorrow I'll be presenting my book after class, at 8 pm. I don't want to, I REALLY don't want to, but I'll go on "I couldn't care less" mode and hold my breath until it's over. No more about that.
The midterm sucked, and although I'm slightly confident, I want to forget about it.
When leaving campus, my Social Psychology instructor gave me a piece of paper, some publicity for a self-esteem workshop or whatever. It was kind of early, my dad wasn't there to pick me up yet, so I went to buy a photocopy that needs to be read for tomorrow, because on SP we'll be watching and then analyzing bad education. I read for a few minutes, and then I found Samuel and talked for a few minutes until I left (I'm thisclose to meeting the Paul McCartney guy, because apparently he's Samuel's best friend...but I don't really care for meeting him, I just want him to know that he looks like Paul McCartney and that I'd like to stare at him for a long time because of that).
Home. I was so glad to be home. I was so disappointed and sad that I made scrambled eggs and ate them with lettuce. I ate too much. During my lonely dinner (I always have dinner by myself), I realized something that made me feel funny.
Since I'd seen my instructor, let's call her V., I'd been thinking about her. When I went to buy the photocopies, I had this urge to go back and sit next to her, because I felt like talking to her. So while I was chewing my lettuce, I realized I -strong statement ahead- have a crush on her.
Oh, the scandal. I actually have many crushes right now, come to think of it. So why not add a girl to the list? I honestly don't feel like being a lesbian, but she makes me feel like one. She isn't a hottie or anything, but she seems to be a tad intellectual. I guess I like her style and that's all. I'm not dying, or anything.
I am, however, tired, and right now, I feel like giving up on life. I wish I could, but I have to write 300 words on a book, and retouch the stupid story I wrote. That's a good sign, isn't it? I had enough energy to say well, I can fix that, can't I?. Even though it took me like five hours to feel strong enough to do anything else than feel sorry for my incompetence at writing.
You know what else I noticed tonight? I've been disappointed on Joseph four times in only two weeks. Strongly disappointed. First, because of a comment he made during the days we were expecting hurricane Adrian. Second, when I knew for sure he was dating that dyed red-hair girl. Third, when I realized how banal his life is. And fourth, because of another comment he made yesterday.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah: right now, I feel like giving up on life.
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