Saturday, 06/04/05 - 12:50 pm.
My computer is malfunctioning, hence why no update yesterday. I came home very late, very tired, but willing to write. The computer wouldn't start. It's been like that for days. I gave up and went to bed.
Yesterday morning, I was depressed. Feeling like crying all the time, and I wondered if it was because of the previous bad day I'd had. If that was the case, I couldn't understand why it was affecting me so much.
I was planning on finishing a paper to turn it in yesterday, and get it out of my way, but it took the computer like two hours to feel like starting. I got behind in my schedule -I still am-, and I couldn't finish it. Also because I went to buy a cushion for the silly fracture at the end of my spine. I love it (the cushion, not the fracture).
By noon, after lunch, I was positive I was going to finish the paper, but I got a phone call. Carmen said she was around my neighborhood and she'd come over. Oh, no, please, no. I was feeling depressed already, and although she's a nice person, I'm never in the mood to deal with her somewhat annoying ways.
Well, she came, we talked about her. I never talk about myself, first because she rarely asks (other than the vague "so how you've been doing?") and second, because she doesn't really listen. I hate to talk and then have people go on another subject, without giving some feedback about what I said. I think it's rude...were they even paying attention? That happens with her all the time.
Fortunately, we started to talk about her circle of friends. All of her friends are gay. Her girlfriend is friends with the guy we said was Priscilla's angel, and he also is gay. His best gal pal is the girl I said I had a crush on, on my last entry. But I think it isn't a crush, after all. I never said I thought she was a lesbian, did I? I only said that she made me feel like one. Anyway, the lesbian is her.
Even my Latinamerican Literature professor is a lesbian.
It doesn't surprise me. But all of a sudden, I felt surrounded by homosexuality, and I felt atypical. But still straight. So, um...should I turn gay? I've never even been drawn to the idea of kissing girls, and girls kissing. No, thanks.
I was trying to kick Carmen out of my house, because I wanted to get early to the university. Finally, she left, and then I did. I wanted to be there early, in case Joseph was there. I also had to get a few books from my brother, my professor, but he forgot.
Since I had no books to work on, I killed time among trees. I even went to the library to get a book about child abuse, for the project, but I didn't do anything with it. I went to the coffeeshop to buy a coffe granita. And then I just sat on my spot, on that staircase, for maybe 45 minutes.
Those 45 minutes had me feeling conten and somewhat miserable. "Hey, this is my life, my life is back!", I realized. Sitting lonely in a place where I can see all kinds of strangers, and I'm a stranger myself. I was enjoying that. I think it'd been very long since I had no one to talk to.
About that time I remembered that Joe was going to look for me at 5:30 to lend me a CD. The night before we talked like we hadn't in weeks. I even started to tell him about my eye-candy list, about SunglassesGuy in particular. I don't like him for you (I feel so old, saying that), he said. He said something like I deserve a caring, sincere boy. I don't know. That sounds too plain. And as he said it himself, I'm looking for peculiar kinds.
Oh, right, well, that's a tangent. We were talking and he said he'd lend me Dark Side of The Moon, because cloudy days are great for listening to it.
All through the day, I'd thought of Joseph. At the beggining of the week I'd invited him to go to the coffeehouse yesterday, and he'd said he was up to it. But then I didn't call to confirm or deny, neither did he. Something about seeing him on thursday upset me: seeing him with his friends, included the dyed red-hair girl that was her latest ex-girlf (I'm not even his latest ex-girlfriend!), just waving at me. I know he didn't approach, at least partly, because I was studying with friends. But it still bothers me.
Then thursday turned shitty, and I had to desire to get in touch with him at all. For some reason, [I think] I am mad at him. It could be still the red-hair deal, or the four things about him that have dissapointed me within days, or maybe just the fact that we're ocassional friends with benefits, and that I can't let go of him and he can't let go of me, and so I can't go on properly with my life. I don't know what it is, really. But even though I feel like yelling at him on the phone about how shitty I feel since thursday, the reluctance to get in touch with him prevails.
So after being lonely for over two hours (from 3 since I got to the campus, and it was like 5:15 by then), two guys from the guitar lessons came to say hi. Later on, C (the friend I met through Joseph) approached. I like how he always takes the time to talk to me. He seems to enjoy our conversations, I hope so.
In the middle of our conversation, Joe showed up. He always shows up when I'm with someone else, I hate his timing. He handed me the CD and was leaving, when C asked to take a look. He started to talk about Pink Floyd, so I figured the next logical step would be to introduce the boys to each other. And the next logical step was to hear them ramble about drugs and The Wizard of Oz. Joe put his hand on my forehead and kicked me softly on my shoe. I took it as a call for attention, because I wasn't looking at him. I always have the need to look away when he's near me. Anyway, I was just listening to them talk, until they both went they separate ways, and I had to go to class.
I had to attend Latinamerican Literature. The professor was late and the ones who were also taking Social Psychology had to leave early, because there was a screening of bad education at six o'clock, and it was obligatory that we attended. So the good lesbian lady gave us the hour off. But first I gave her a new version of my urban story (her comment discouraged me). At least I changed the name, I said (the name of the character wasn't "urban" enough). She seemed to appreciate my effort, and the fact that I took her comment seriously (maybe too seriously). I'm disappointed on this whole urban literature thing, though, I didn't think it was too dogmatic.
So at about 6:15, the screening of bad education begun. I loved the movie, and I admire Gael Garcia Bernal for having the balls to do that character. Irene was suffering by seeing him in drag. The movie was very graphic at times, and there came a time in which the story took a very violent turn. But it was wonderful. Even though I kept thinking about my conversations with Carmen, about homosexuality.
It was a very gay day.
The screening ended, and I had to present my book at a cofeehouse near campus (not MY coffeehouse). Irene, her sister, Michelle and her friend attended. Priscilla didn't even come to the university, and Victor forgot and had something else to do.
We walked to the place, and when I got there, I thought of what a mistake it was to have scheduled such thing. The place, although comfortable, was too small and hot. Only the people I'd invited, plus my parents, a asleep nephew and my three favorite cousins were there. Fortunately, there was another table with four people. I knew one of them, he's a friend of my sister. And also, another one of Michelle's friend (ex-boyfriend) showed up. I'd heard a lot about him, he's very nice.
The thing began, the man who wrote the prologue started to talk. I read two of the shortest stories, and the rest was dialogue among the little crowd. They made me feel very special, and I actually begun to think my writing is unique. The good part was that their words were beyond the familiar bond, it was sheer praise and encouragement. Irene's sister is a Writing Techniques professor and will use my book as a final assignment for her students. She says she'll invite me to class and such. I'm not too thrilled, but one of the four people (who, coincidentally, was friends with her) said I should use my "gift" to encourage other people my age.
Long story short, we left at like 10. I think I sold two books at the presentation (the people I'd brought already had a copy), but the owner of the coffeehouse said people read the book while they were eating there, and always came back to buy it and asked if she knew me. Last night, she was out of stock, but seriously, I'd only left 5 or 10 books in her place. Still, it's good to know people like it.
So I came home very late, very tired, but willing to write. The computer wouldn't start. It's been like that for days. I gave up and went to bed.
And here I am right now, catching up. I'll come back later, with the regular entry of the day.
prev / next