Though love-making will come sooner than the wedding.
Wednesday, 07/13/05 - 8:40 pm.

I know I complain a lot about my niece here, but it's nice to have her around. She spent the night here, and this morning I took her to the mall. I drove, yes. We went for coffee, got awfully stuffed on Oreo cheesecake (too heavy) and then walked around. She left the mall with the Grease soundtrack, and we listened to it on our way back home (and while I stopped by a drugstore for pills for my dad).

*

- Me: because it scares me, first not being able to do it, and above all, to frustrate you in some way.
- Joseph: coward.
- Me: sometimes you're no help at all.
- Joseph: True.
- Me: I don't feel like doing it anymore. Thanks.
- Joseph: WHAT?! What does that mean?!
*minutes of silence*
- Joseph: what is it, love?
- Me: not much.
- Joseph: really?
- Me: I've told you it fucks me up when you say that word.
- Joseph: I'm sorry.
- Me: and I was telling you that because, ironically, you're the only person I can talk to about this.

We were talking about sex. He went offline, and called me. He found me in tears, and said sorry a hundred times, and insulted himself a hundred more, and said sorry again. I almost felt bad for him, because he was about to cry, too. I told him I was hurt (I've learned to be assertive), and said he was stupid, and an asshole, and promised he would never say that word again.

This afternoon I had a work meeting, and after the meeting I met up with Joseph. Before that incident happened, he said he wasn't sure if he'd go to see me to the university, but after it, he said he HAD to see me today.

"I'm sorry" was the first thing he told me when we hugged. I said it didn't matter, but he said it did. Well, yeah, it did. I wasn't really in the mood to be cuddly, so we sat in the cafeteria and he gave me a massage. I'm afraid we've gone ten steps backwards in our relationship, he said. I was hurt, and he knew.

We went for ice cream, and then went back to the cafeteria, and by then I was feeling a little better. We slowly started to cuddle, and I asked him questions about sexual intercourse. I really, really like talking about sex with him. Aside from the being horny deal. It just gives a feel of intimacy. He knows a lot about the female body, too, how it works, thus how to treat it. Word.

I'm scared of having sex, and not just because it could hurt. I'm afraid my parents could find out. Like, for example, I went to the gynecologist and he'd hint something about me not being a virgin anymore (like "blablabla because you don't have your virginity anymore"), and my mom heard. And second, I'm so damned scared of getting pregnant [even though he's pretty much clinically infertile]. I want to have your baby, or babies, but...not right now. He said he understood...

...but I swear I'd never leave you alone if that happened. In fact, I'd be so, so happy. You make me want to be a better person. Now I want to get a job, a real job. You're the only one in this fucking place that motivates me. And I'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore, I'm looking for a wife...I see you as my wife, I want you to be my wife.

Later on we found Fer and Joseph told him we were getting married. "Tomorrow?", he asked. "In two years", Joseph replied. I guess that's how the plan is going.

Long story short: our 10 steps backwards turned into 11 steps forward.

Fortunately, we always find a way to patch things up, however badly we've fucked up. I'm in love with him, and he's incredibly in love with me...even after a year plus, I still can't conceibe that someone loves me that way (yes, I've made sure he's not one of those pathological romantic wife-beaters). It's kind of cute how he never says "sex", and instead says "making love".

Now it's my turn to find him, though. He was coming to the university and all, but now the semester is over and I should go after him. That's only fair, I just hate how something so simple is such a problem for me: I have to find excuses, because my parents always need to know where I'm going and who I'm going with, and I can't say it's with Joseph. And I'm so lame at finiding excuses.

Wish me luck.

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