Wednesday, 7/03/02 - 8:23 pm.
I'm a very hateful person. And if I'd been handed a gun, I'd have shot that waste of sperm in the school bus.
If I hadn't been such a coward, I'd have stand up by the 3rd grade kid who was pushed "by accident" by two 5th graders. But no...I just saw it happen. I didn't even know what to say. They picked him up, apologized and then laughed to themselves. And I just couldn't say a fuckin' word. I arrived to the classroom, and I realized the gravity of what I'd done...or what I hadn't. That kid could've been any of your nephews, your niece.... And I started crying. I let something unfair happen to an innocent kid. And it's not the first time. And I hated the world. And I hated myself for being so useless.
Truth is, I didn't want to say anything to those two 5th graders. I wanted to grab their heads and smash them against the wall of the hallway, and beat them to death.
But that's not an excuse. Even if it wasn't what I had in mind, I should have done something.
I told a few people my big mistake. And I cried, Vic hugged me. I cried, I was pissed off. The rest of the day...I can only say it's a complex of blurry images seen from the deepest hate a human being can hold in.
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Everything, everyone was fake. I'd have loved to put everyyone to sleep and silently shoot them in the back of their heads and let them in that sleep forever. Kill myself, too? Well, if it's needed to, so be it.
I was so pissed off I wanted to break the mirror of the girls' restroom. Girls are dumb. Boys are too, but I wanted to state that girls are dumb.
Vic and I had a fight. Well, it wasn't quite a fight, but we struggled for about ten minutes. I hit him with my notebook, I scratched his arms with my nails, he pulled my hair...it was a terrible thing to watch. But after it was over...I was relieved. And I understood self-destruction even more. I took out a lot of rage I had inside.
But my hate wasn't gone. And I treated many people very bad throughtout the day. I wanted to say some SHUT THE FUCK UP!, I wanted to punch them in the face, I wanted to have a gun and shoot them...you name it.
I hit Pablo in the stomach. Several times. But it was like punching a blackboard, and I'm not very strong. He works out, so he obviously wasn't bothered. He let me do it, because he knew I was pissed off. I cried with my obese girl. I cried with Cel, I cried on Art's shoulder....I didn't smile back to the people who greeted me.
You say bitch like it's a bad thing.
I didn't explain anyone what was happening to me. I hate breaking down and crying in public. But I told Cel part of what was happening, and it all started because I just couldn't stand up by a little kid who needed help. I hate mankind. I wish I was something else, not a human...I want everybody dead. She stared at me. I stared back: but you...you and a few other people, are the exception.... She had to go, but before she left, she wished me a fast "recovery" and said: by the way...thank you for making me the exception.... I looked back at her and said: No. Thank you for being the exception.
Afternoon classes were called off, but I still had to stay for the last BKB game. I don't know if we'll make it to the finals (this friday), but I quite don't give a fuck.
In the afternoon, I tried to hate. I wanted to hate. But I was tired of hating. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, it was too much anger to bear just for myself. I wanted to break something beautiful, anything. As always, I'm always, always keeping everything to myself, always feeling that thing, that anger, revolving in my heart, not finding a way to pour it out. And it keeps collecting dust. Because I don't know how to handle it without hurting others that don't deserve to be hurt.
I'm a very hateful person. Vic says I'm "an enlightened, peaceful being", but today he saw it is not true.
I always thought don't let me get me would be a song that I'd never relate to. But today, I had that kind of flash accross my mind that maybe everybody has once in a while, but me...I don't do that, I don't ask that...why am I this way?. I asked it with anger, not with fun. Why am I this way, why do I take everybody's shit and not say a word? Well, fuck my personality if that's the reason.
I'm sick of THIS FUCKING WORLD, WHY DOESN'T IT END? I hate humanity, they're a fucking mistake, why don't they die? why don't we die? Wires died, he couldn't do what he was supposed to do. Mankind doesn't even have a purpose. I don't like to be a person, but I'm sure if I was something else I'd have my life fucked up by people. I'd lose the forest I live in, I'd be tortured to death, I'd be hunted down with no mercy just for kicks...
I hate. Yes, I hate. And I still don't know how to show the world. But you see, I'm tired of keeping this to myself.
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