Sunday, 07/07/02 - 3:28 pm.
Around me, nothing has happened today, because as you may already know, nothing happens on sundays. Inside of me, on the other hand, there's been a lot of thoughts, since I have nothing else I'd like to invest my time on (Renan and Rebeca went to the beach, in case you care).
First and foremost, I'm now over my latest crush, because of what happened last night. We had a nice, friendly chat. Notice the keyword: "friendly". No "hey, baby" and shit, just a "hi, what's up?". He started the conversation. And since he did it that way, I wasn't going to reply like trying get us both started. I must admit it, I was kind of disappointed. But I finally stopped living in denial....he's not attracted to me. Quoth Simeon: fuck, what took you so long, baby?.
It took me more than the usual 48 hours (to get over a crush) because this time around he was following me. And I was following him. We were playing back and forth. At a certain point, it seemed to me it was becoming like the guy story: I tripped on my feelings while playing with my and his hormones. Simeon and the voices in my head called me down because of it. Because first, I let it happen, and second, I made it keep happening. But I said something in my behalf....sometimes I need someone. I need someone to cling to. I need someone else besides myself sometimes. And I'd never have anyone like that, and I do wonder why. Hi, I'm weak sometimes.
So once again, I'm living for the mere fact of living. I start thinking in my assignments for this week and I panic. I don't want to do anything. I feel everything I'm about to do will go wrong. Part of me says that I should take one second at a time. It's a nice advice, but I'm not in conditions to do that. I have to think of the near future and start doing the school assignments as soon as I can, or else they won't be finished on time.
If you want to hear something less sad...I finally got to see the Girls Of Summer video. I downloaded it from the AeroZone. It doesn't quite seem like an Aerosmith video at times. Some T&As, just like the old Aerosmith, but I don't completely like the song. Not as an Aerosmith song, I mean. It's more like a The Steven Tyler Project video, with some nameless musicians in the background, which fuckin' sucks. I wonder why they boys are not on it. They're Steven's brothers...well, if you want to put aside criticism, it's funny and Steven looks hot. The ending...huh, Sony hooking up Steven. I liked it but I thought it was kind of cruel, or at least painful. I couldn't help laughing out loud, though.
I've been thinking about some stuff throughout the day (side effect of avoiding must-do tasks). Not only I broke down again because of my crush (breaking down over a guy means giving my hopes up, and therefore, a recovery within two days), I remembered Veronica. But that was only because she was with Denver on friday, after the game. I was thinking of Denver and she appeared in my thoughts. She and her stupid, annoying laugh. I don't like her. I know you know that, but I have to say it again. I don't like her. She must hate me, way deep inside. Why is it that I keep thinking of her if she doesn't think of me anymore? Oh, yeah! she hurt me. I did not hurt her. I tried to help her. I helped her. But as ungrateful as she is, she doesn't care. It's all about who kisses her ass the most.
I have a math test tomorrow, and there are some things I don't get. On the other hand, I made some exercises. They were easy, but for me, being a knucklehead for math, they were a big accomplishment. Give me some credit, will you? I know my math teacher won't and I'll probably fail it.
No, I don't have a high self-esteem right now. I mean, yes...but no. I'm just lazy, spiritually speaking, ok?
According to the "what's your sexual MO" test (you can tell I'm bored when I start taking online tests), I'm a *princess*:
You love to be pampered and romanced by your men and things like cuddling by a fire, having an intimate meal, or having a long, deep conversation can always put you in the mood. Sex to you is usually more about the man you're with than the act itself. Not a one-night stand kind of girl, newness and disconnectedness just don't do it for you. The mature, stable men you prefer to date appreciate your loyalty and big heart, but they especially love the way you inspire their more aggressive, protective masculine side.
I'm sorry, I don't wear tops that say "angel" or "princess" all over....no, wait...I'm not sorry about that. But yeah, the description pretty much fits. I'd say it's correct. Maybe that's why (in response to the wondering on the last lines of the 3rd paragraph of this entry).
I'm unmotivated. Sometimes I wish I was pissed off and stopped being so sad and bored. I don't like being angry without enthusiasm. But then again, I'm not a cheerleader, and enthusiasm is something very sutile in me.
A few days ago, on my way to the soccer field at school, I found Pablo. He turned around and the words coming out of his mouth were: Hey, Tyler, will you ever sing in a rock band?. I'd never been asked that....that's a very uncommon question, at least for me. Yeah, I hope so. Really. I do. I'd be a real rock star: no girly looks, no goth looks. I doubt I'll ever get to do it, having in mind my lack of musical knowledge, my dumb way with words and my not-so-melodic voice...but it's a nice thing to think about.
I want to get me some X-rays. Just for kicks. I've always dreamed of having a photo of my craneum and the bones of my fingers giving the peace sing, on my high school diploma.
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