Monday, 07/08/02 - 9:16 pm.
First off, just so you know: words between two �'s are words said by the voices in my head. Words between ~'s are my thoughts. Ok? Good.
The first part of my day was filled with emotional boredom. Up to there, nothing big. I was pissed off and I wasn't in the mood to be with anyone.
I finally tasted the new Pepsi, Pepsi Twist. �Ah, the sweet taste of a new flavor of Capitalism� ~I'm not thrilled with it~.
The soccer matches are not what they used to be. Some girls arrive everyday, and they never shut up, so I usually just leave earlier. My secure, lonely, comfy spot is gone. Though today I left a bit earlier than usual. Because...well, it went like this:
- �Wait, wait...where you going? why are you standing up? the game is not over yet...�
- ~I know. But maybe I'll run into him (Denver...not over him yet)~
- �what? don't be stupid! YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM!�
- ~*shrugging*~
- �Fine, do what you want�.
So I went back down to the hallways. I must admit it though, I did not run into him, and the voices laughed at me. I just wandered around the hallway until classes started. Hi, I'm lame.
I had to stay in the afternoon to practice some lame performance for my lit class. I'd been running into Veronica the whole day and that's not good for my mood. The first time, I ignored her. It felt ok. Then she kept ignoring me, while practically making out with everybody at her reach in front of me. But don't be fooled, it's not because she wants to make me jealous. She just doesn't care about me, she doesn't even notice me. Bitch. �Bitch�. ~Bitch~.
After lunch, I headed back to the senior hallway, where my lit group was meeting. On my way back, I started thinking of her and how stupid everything related to her is. And I also noticed how much I love to walk by trees, walking on their shadows, listening to the wind blowing through their leaves. �You know..She's just retarded�. ~I know. She sucks~.
I walked into the high school hallway and I saw Roberto coming up to me. He hugged me and said: I've noticed you're very distant lately. Huh. Funny. I thought I was actually getting closer to people.
He went back to sit with Karla and Carmen and other pastoral kids on the floor of the senior hallway. I sat alone. It wasn't until maybe 15 minutes later that Karla, Roberto and Carmen came up to me. Karla (with whom I'm really not that close) grabbed my hand and said: You know...I've been observing you and it seems to me that you're more distant than the usual.
�Maybe she and Roberto talked about you...it's the second time you hear that in less than an hour�. ~Ssshhh, let me listen...~.
She went on: Is something wrong? c'mon, tell me. I was sorrounded by a few people by then.
~whatdoIsay, whatdoIsay?...~.
Nah, I'm good, it's just that I, um...
�have a Fight Club behavior!�
...have a Fight Club behavior.
She backed off, looking at me, surprised. I tried to look like a happy person. I can't remember how, but I ended up being myself and they (Karla and Roberto, since Carmen had left) ended up cracking up. I told them about the voices in my head, playing sax and stuff. I told them how I hate the phone...I told them a few things. And everytime I'd say something, they'd crack up, and Roberto would go: I LOVE YOU!!! I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!.
It's just so damn good to be appreciated by what you are. I appreciate Karla noticing my behavior, though I wasn't even aware of it. Whenever I'm down, I'm gonna have to call you. Some people say I'm Phoebe, from Friends. You have such a weird philosophy.... They made me feel very special and appreciated, and the rest of the afternoon I was high.
The biggest even of this day though, was on the third recess. I was outside Hector's office, and Denver walked by. He stopped when he looked at me and grabbed my wrists and made them clap. Hard. And when you wear eleven rings like I do, clapping hard for a long time is not very pleasant. I moved my arms forward and slapped him in the face, like clapping....we struggled for 15 minutes, hurting each other until recess was over. ~Hi, I love pain~ �Jerk�. I didn't care about anything by then. I'd spent the whole recess with him.
- �You're very lame, you know that?�
- ~I know that~.
Wait...let's rewind a bit...right there, when I was walking into the high school hallways, before Roberto saw me and started walking up to me. In a matter of seconds, I came to a conclusion that shocked me:
I'm just another voice in my head.
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