Exhaustion or melancholy. Either way, leave me alone, lady!
Thursday, 10/20/05 - 11:15 pm.

Joseph and I had a fight last night, right? Which is why I spent today particularly depressed. Aside from that, though, I live quasidepressed, but I can't really tell if it's just physical exhaustion or a strong state of melancholy.

But it's something I hadn't felt in a long time. I feel this huge weight over me, that's crushing me. Pressing me, indeed. It's mostly some sort of opression I feel in my heart, and again, I can't tell if it's my "emotional" heart, or my physical heart. It's a slight hurt.

I feel terrible most of the time, lately, but I could never put into words why. What Joseph and I talked about last night left me pissed off and sad, but when we met in the afternoon, after I was coming from interviewing children in a public school (I AM SO SICK OF THE CHILD ABUSE PROJECT!), he acted like nothing happened. Actually, he'd told me he would. I let it go, too. Partly because it was useless to go on, partly because I'd overblown something he said. So we were in good company today, he even bought me ice cream. But he was worried that I'd fall asleep in class. He noticed I couldn't even sit straight.

And, well...I feel a little better right now. You see, what fucks up my life is the child abuse project, and the fact that I have to dedicate endless mornings/afternoons, three times a week, to asking children the same questions, over and over again. I nearly know the whole instrument by heart now, all five pages. It sucks up my time, and I'm getting desperate. I'm starting to hate the lady in charge, she drives me nuts.

She said today that I looked tired. Oh, geez, REALLY?

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