Tuesday, 11/29/05 - 10:28 pm.
*George Harrison, 1943 - 2001*
I woke up at 7:30 this morning, having gone to bed just three hours before. I had to be at 8:30 to help with the child abuse project whatever, and Michelle said it seemed like I hadn't slept.
I told her, Joseph and I were about to break up again. We had a five hour-long fight online, that finished at 3 am. I'm keeping the details to myself, because it's so long, and I don't really want to talk about it. But it basically revolved around the "you deserve better than me, I am nothing" speech. He has no self-esteem, and he hurt me several times, trying to fight back an observation I made, that sort of relates to what I said in yesteday's entry.
My hope was that he wouldn't show up at the university today. He did, but he didn't see me. I feared he was going to break up with me, but I still had this conflict in my head, whether look for him or not. But I knew I was going to cry endlessly, so I said it was best not to look for him.
So I've been depressed all day, feeling heavy, trying not to cry. Michelle supported me a lot, although she has this thing of always turning the conversation into her...I guess it was therapeutic for the both of us. Fair enough. It's her dad's birthday today, and he abandoned her a long time ago, with no information where he could be found. She's sued him, but still no sign.
Joseph was online tonight. And called me. And I asked him if he was going to leave me. I spent three hours last night/this morning, begging him not to, to which he'd just reply he was trouble, he was nothing, etc. He said he could never leave me. He said he was going to marry me, and that he adored me more than I could ever imagine.
(this has nothing to do with feelings fading away, we are in love with each other, but it's something much more complex)
Gosh. But I still feel like curling up and dying. I need to finish a goddamned research for tomorrow's exposition. More some other day, when I get rid of these huge bags under my eyes.
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