I want you for Christmas!
Thursday, 07/11/02 - 7:25 pm.

I heard one of the sweetest things in my life, from Vic: I want you as a christmas present!!! I want one of you for my house. He says I'm funny. He says he loves me because I'm weird. Yes, it's good to be me. His girlfriend now calls me Tyler, too. Tyler is becoming my nickname.

Vic wants to get his body (any part) pierced. I tried to make him change his mind but...well, self-destruction is part of him. Which somehow, I consider an interesting thing. I told him to save some blood in a bottle for me. He arouses my self-destructive side sometimes. But most of the times, I make him laugh or viceversa. He's one of the coolest kids I've ever met. He said it'd be cool if we were at his house, chatting in his room at midnight. We have that incoherent connection that could keep us both up the whole night, talking crap.

I had a lonely day, at times feeling abandoned. Veronica...dammit, I don't know why I'm so affected by her.

I didn't attend the soccer match today. Instead, I was with Pablo. I found him on my way to the soccer field, and he was kind of sad. Is it the system?, I asked. I offered him some spicy sauce: it tastes like rage, I said. We sort of talked...I didn't have much to tell. But we were practically together the whole recess (30 minutes), doing nothing. When we went back down to the hallway (we were upstairs in the parking lot), Denv was there, laying on the floor. He extended his arm and his hand, for me to hold it, and when I did, he pulled me. I sat next to him and gave him a massage. He got up for something and Veronica came from behind and literally stole him from me. She caught his attention and...stuff. I couldn't help being a little upset.

She did it once again when Roberto was talking to me. He was hugging me, saying how happy he's been lately and she called him. I can't help thinking she's trying to take everybody away from me. Or just doesn't notice that they're actually talking to me...dear Jesus, am I THAT invisible to her?

But you know...I had classes this afternoon and she didn't. On the 15 minutes break we take at 3 o'clock, I headed to the restrooms, looking up the beautiful sky, feeling lonely, in a wonderful way. It's like I'd been breathing smoke and now it all was clean, pure air.

You pollute me all over, the voices said, refering to Veronica.

I was happy. So happy. Obese, give me a hug!, I told the Obese Girl. She hugged me saying: of course, obese! I'm giving you all the hugs you want!

We had 90 minutes of psychology (with the break in betweeen). Geovanni spoke about relationships with people and related them to self-esteem. He took about 40 minutes to tell us the story about a former student with a "strong psychology". Her parents blamed her for everything, abused her physicaly and psychologicaly...it was very sad. But she went through it. It was very encouraging. He mentioned isolation, how the big group isolates the "weird one". At times I felt he was refering to me. Not because people hate me (most of the people love me, you realize) but...my isolation. I walk like the way he described. I have wounds, I'm hurt. It's almost impossible to believe that one single person has had such a negative effect in my life. I kind of wondered if Geovanni had noticed the way I act on most of the recesses, all alone, staring at the floor...maybe not. You're not an unique snowflake.

A tragedy happened two days ago. A family was travelling to another country and they were assaulted. It was a 4 member-family, a girl, a boy and their parents. The girl was shot and she died. The family used a helicopter to take the body back to this country, but the helicopter crashed. The rest of the family died. The father was the son of my parental units' friend. It's a terrible thing. They were buried today. Meanwhile, at school, I noticed a rainbow surrounding the sun. The news mentioned it today. It happened during the funeral, and some considered it as some "signal".

On my way back home, dad told me the channel 4 building was on fire. I couldn't help feeling something happily morbid inside. Channel 4 airs the most disgusting news report of the whole country. Just to tell you that they aired the death of a baby. The baby started to throw up in front of their cameras during an interview and instead of taking him to the hospital, they taped the whole death thing. It was terrible. Yet it's a shame, that fire, because many people lose their job. Damn, what a piece of crap this world is.

I feel bad. You'll become a widow, Denv said last night. He's got the flu. I was with him the whole lunch time (from 12:30 to 1:30). We were with Fo, Norm and Carmen, too. But he sat next to me...do you hear that? It's paranoia. Dammit, he has no feelings for me, it's only friendship. Good. Tomorrow is the prom party. I'm not going. Neither he is. Good. I'd feel kind of bad if one of us went and the other didn't.

- Me: why is your hair all messy?
- Denv: you cheated on me. You broke our promise.
- Me: I did not.
- Denv: yes, you did. You were with Vicky.
- Me: with *Vic*? That was nothing! I was just punching him. Still...you haven't answered why your hair is all messed up.
- Denv: I got my revenge. You were with Vicky, I was...with someone else.
- Me: Ok, we're even.

It's like we have an imaginary engagement. And the only thing the voices say about that is: Ohmygosh...you *are* dumb.

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